Re: Critique Thread

[beangraff]

Ehh....wasn't TRYING to be martyrdom, I was trying to think of a good reason for a younger ex-soldier (at the time he was going to be 19) and that was the first instinct. I was just saying WHY it was my first thought. The fact that he was discharged isn't the most important part of his character, the fact that he is a very large and trained and tough soldier is.

It wasn't until latter I tried to make him older, then didn't have any motivation to change it.

But you do have a very good point so I will try to tone down references to his discharge.

And, I was also under the now CLEARLY mistaken impression there were a lot of female rpers >.< hahaha and I figured "Well, girls always like Yaoi."

EDIT: But then of course, the reason I made him bi was so he could do mixed and hentai matches too.

[Kitten]

Hi bean

Like blue said this is Anime FEMALE wrestling. So the main focus of the group is Yuri female on female fights. Male vs Girl and Male vs Male fights are like an extra thing and not the main thing. But fear not, the group is very tolerant and you will find some truly awesome RPers here. But like I said, being a mainly Yuri site, you won't find many Yaoi fans. I do like Yaoi, but I don't play guy characters.

In general male characters, no matter their sexual orientation, have a hard time finding opponents. There is certain bad reputation for players who have one male character and nothing more; the general feel is that they only want to have someone write erotic stories created around their characters for them.

About your fight, it was generally good. It is very hard to judge an RP from the outside... Sometimes even the inside, but I'll give you my general impressions.

I noticed some auto-hits, some multi-hits and some no-hits too, on both sides. You need to be careful with that... and so does Viral. -_-! Remember the most important word in a RP is 'try'

I know a lot of people use that structure here, but I personally hate the if-then-else-hit-you-in-the-face-twice thing... As in post an attack and then a conditional of what will happen if that attack landed, ie ' if that punch landed Undertaker will follow with an tombstone piledriver". But that is a matter over personal preferences in the wording, so no biggie.

Also I noticed some of your posts are pure action, telling us nothing of the mental or emotional state of your character. I am a believer that each post that tells nothing about the character besides what he/she does is a wasted opportunity for character development. Then again I am a dramaddict and not much of a fan of action emotionless heroes; so that is more of a personal taste thing. Some people prefer pure action and that is fine... I guess.

At some points the fight seemed to bog down and lost its rhythm. It went from furious action to some strange pauses that, in my opinion, were kind of off-beat. I feel the ending was a little bit anti-climatic. But that is understandable since it was the first time you and Viral worked together.

The fight was too short for my standards.

It also began too fast. I mean... The first attack is a round house kick to the head if I read correctly. I have never seen a fight start like that. But that is a matter of styles.

You both seemed to use unspecific targeted attacks a lot. As in throwing attacks to no specific part of the opponent's body letting them decide where those should have landed.


So all in all, considering you and Viral are rookies going at it for the first time...

I give it 2 stars out of 5.





Kitten has spoken

[beangraff]

Wow, that's a lot of helpful advice to keep in mind, thanks " title="Very Happy" />

Thanks, that's exactly the kind of advice I needed.

As for my lack of female characters, my female character is not yet completed.

I made a male character first because, personally, I tend to go with what I know until something better comes around.

[Bluemouse]

Well put, Kitty-cat. I second pretty much everything there.

I personally like having opportunities to include male characters in threads. The total lack of them was sort of disorienting at first, for me and my characters. But like Kitten said, to paraphrase, it's hard to find someone who 1. has a male character and 2. is a good rp'er and not just looking for... ya know. >_>

If there's one part of Kitten's deal that I'd want to emphasize, it's the dramatic component of a match. Pacing is a factor, not every post can be a paragraph of action followed by a page of the character's thoughts, but whether all the elements are present in each post or not they all need to be present in the thread. Emotionless action is the most boring thing in the world. You need to give people, even if it's just you and your partner, a reason to care about what's happening. It can be tricky to do, but rendering your character as a thinking, feeling human being will take you most of the way.

[Kitten]

Shut up blue!

The total lack of guys is a trademark of the Yuri setting and in it's innitial conception the site could have been called Kawaii Yuri Wrestling. I personally felt it was outrageous to consider guys even existed as anything but nameless crowds... but I guess it is ok to have a few around, so I have decided to forgive them and tolerate them. :p

Back to the discussion about what a post should contain, a rule of thumb is to include in every post:

1) A continuation of YOUR previous move. (The opponent said your punch landed, so how that made you felt? It missed, so... Did it left your character off balance?) This is usually tied up with number 2.

2) Reaction to your opponent's move, if any.

3) Description of the state of the fight. Thoughs, injuries, fears, expectations, etc...

4) An attempt to attack, if any.

Of course, good writters know how to bend, break or completely disregard the rules, but... It is important to know the rules to better break them.


Edit: I am so smart. So much smarter than blue. And smell better too.

[Viralsurge_24]

I know I need alot of work but I am really starting to feel it needs to start with my character. http://afwrpg.informe.com/forum/tension-pro-males-f60/drake-ishikawa-t4633.html Just to be clear i haven't tried to make him perverted, but his shy nature has tended to go that way at times. I am not trying to make that his main focus, even though its funny at times >_>; He is supposed to be a character that grew up under some hard shit and kind of alone most of his life, this leads to awkward moments in lack of social skills. This in turn causes him to be shy and not know how to react or speak with women, while also making him awkward around people in general.

To be honest I made a horrible first attempt with him and rewrote him to the current story he has now. It was supposed to be based off of my life and my tendencies just a little more severe level for more drama comedy and action. I know thats kind of lame to just use myself as a template but I find myself to be funny at times just because of how awkward I can be or the scars and injuries from fighting and how people react around me. To get back on point I need come serious critique on my character and advice to reforge and reshape him into something interesting. I also apologize to people if I have responded to current posts and matches but I need to redefine my writing and think about putting more emotion and specifics into how I rp.

That being said I would appreciate anyone's help who is willing to give it and I will use what I learn and redevelop when I continue my posts. Especially Felicia, I had a decent first match with her to my surprise since it was my first experience rping as a female. I like that I made her cunning, smarter, and a polar opposite to Drake, which is why I mention her. Though I got annoyed with several requests over and over again since I made her, most to be requested to rp in naughty ways that I kind of lost sight of that character as well in my recent match against Snidey (which I apologize for and I would like to restart that match). Anyways I'm rambling thank you anyone who has any advice for me.

[Bluemouse]

No YOU shut up. Stupid Kitten.

There's nothing particularly wrong about Kitten's post there, except for EVERYTHING. Don't listen to her. She'll have your posts sounding like bank statements.

If I have a pet peeve it's when people restate the last two posts in every post. Such as:

Person A: I punch your face.
Person B: My face is punched!
Person A: My punch punches your face.

Bear in mind that what's written before is actually still written when you write your next post. You don't have to reread everything when you post (though it helps), but just because something isn't fresh in your mind doesn't mean that it isn't already written 5" up higher on the page.

As for you, Mr. Drake Ishikawa, someone will be right with you.

[Kitten]

It only sounds like a bank statement when you do it blue. >:p

When done right, like I do, it allows you to create a sensation of fluid motion as if the actions were happening simultaneously.

I rocks

[zxn666]

I think that we can all agree that both Kitten and Bluemouse are wonderful RPers. And we can all agree that I'm better " title="Very Happy" />

[Bluemouse]

I agree with almost none of what you just said.

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