Re: Critique Thread

by Bluemouse Thu Feb 10, 2011 3:12 pm

Okayyyyyyyy, so, I haven't read all 500 posts of those two, but I have a bit of an idea.

First of all, use the enter button. Just press it twice every now and again and I won't ever have to slap you with a fish.

Beyond that, I like the chemistry that you were able to establish with zxn. Working together and making a good match is always better than doing whatever you can to win, or even always doing what would make sense. But if I have one thing to possibly work on for you, it's the same for me... paring down long extended run on sentences of action description.

It's tough because there's a lot that goes on in a fight and limbs go every which way and all that. When long descriptions are necessary try to make them as readable as possible, and in general keep an eye out for anything you can simplify. It's like instead of saying "Lifted her right foot and placed it on the next stair before lifting her LEFT foot and placed that on the stair after that" it's "walked up the stairs". The trick is not to compromise clarity when doing it, make sure to leave a clear enough trail that the reader can follow and so that you won't have to pm your match partner and have a little discussion about what is actually supposed to be happening.

by **Old_Man_Tai** Thu Feb 10, 2011 7:35 pm

I see...I have to say that I concur with your remarks.

There were a couple moves, mainly in the second match I belive, where I had rather large blocks of text describing two moves, I think what Im going to do for now on in situations like that is instead of:

"He Raped her face with her own foot by placing her on her chest, hanging her head back and bending her right leg all the way over into her face"

Instead, seperate it into bits:

1. He flipped her to her chest

2. he took her leg and bent it back as far as it could go

3. He took her head and pulled it upwards, bending her in half

4. Raped her face with her foot

Basically like that, same move, but in smaller and easier descriptions. or just doing it post by post, so they have a chance to escape.

Im glad you liked the chemistry, I always try to work with an opponent, then against. Unlike some here, I have no issue getting my ass kicked in a match, win or lose.

by Bluemouse Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:23 pm

Ya, you touched on pacing there. It's like in a movie, the less important parts are skipped through very quickly and the important parts might even warrant slow motion. I think when you're in between high spots in a match, it's better to keep things moving, like writing a move at a time instead of something like 1. gets back in ring 2 stands up 3 looks at you 4 thinks for a bit 5 decides to punch your face 6 makes a fist (and so on). Time in real life is something to consider, you don't want to stretch out the less interesting parts. Then when things of great consequence are happening, maybe your posts account for half a second instead of 5 seconds of rp-time.

This doesn't mean that it's every really okay to railroad people... I've had people (not necessarily here) do things like "i punch you in the face and knock you down and then kick you 10 or 20 times and the push you out of the ring and follow you out and hit you with a chair and then throw you back in the ring and put you in a boston crab and then let it go and stomp on your head and then put you back in a boston crab." Horrifying to try to reply to, let alone it's not the slightest bit interesting for anyone. At the same time if you never do anything of consequence to your opponent, that's no good either.... the match loses a lot of heat if it feels like the other person isn't really trying to win.

So yeah, balancing the level of wordiness, activity, and effectiveness per post is an ongoing thing.

by **Old_Man_Tai** Fri Feb 11, 2011 7:04 am

Indeed. Waffles are good. So, any other critcisms for me to hear?

by d_ultsch Thu Feb 24, 2011 8:04 am

I think i would like to throw in my hat for this critique thread. I don't have any particular match i would like to use as an example but i am open to any suggestion/critiques and if you request one i guess i could look for a specific thread which i could use as a reference.

by Bluemouse Thu Feb 24, 2011 2:46 pm

At first glance, the first thing I saw was plain ol' grammar. Punctuation, especially. Pay greater attention to that and write clean and it will go a long long way toward making your writing come off as being much more legitimate.

by d_ultsch Fri Feb 25, 2011 3:26 am

yeah i am horrible with punctuation its always been a weakness buti guess i will try harder to improve.

by Bluemouse Fri Feb 25, 2011 1:59 pm

[quote="d_ultsch":31bp31kh]Yeah, I am horrible with punctuation. Its always been a weakness, but I guess i will try harder to improve.

Fixed.

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by Bluemouse Thu Mar 24, 2011 1:34 pm

Partly in the spirit of giving this thread some life and partly to satisfy my own urges to fix something, I was wondering if anyone had read anything of mine and had any helpful critical things for me?

At the bottom of each of my character profiles are links to all their threads. I think maybe my favorite would be Taylor's 'Down Time' somewhere around the middle, but certainly any thread would be a good example of how I do things. Anyhoo.