Improvement/Critique Thread

[Tatyina]

After the success of a critique thread posted by Alexandra, and a desire to constantly strive to improve the skills of all rpers on the site, we're posting up a  Critique Thread.

if you have a post (posts) or characters that you are working on and would like to see what other members have to say about them, post the links here.

Then, Members will post or PM Their responses. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

• Constructive Criticism Only- If you're just out to bash, GTFO. People are posting to be helped not to be insulted.
  
• There is no obligation to post. You don't have to post a thread or character if you don't want to. Nor must you respond to a posted thread or bio, keep that in mind.
  
• Please Try and stay on topic- If we feel that it's gotten out of hand, or people are refusing to stick tot he thread topic then the mods will close the thread. We're not making this thread for anyone but the members at large so please take it seriously
  

Thank you.

[Ryoku]

Alright, I guess I'll take the first bullet. Sounds like fun, and it'd surely help me improve.

1) To those who have RPed with me/ read any of my RPs. What should I work on? Is there anything I'm doing wrong?

2) [url=http://afwrpg.informe.com/forum/kawaii-league-f27/tracy-snow-the-kawaii-brawler-t3801.html:rtjyfio8]Tracy Snow[/url:rtjyfio8]. My favorite character and probably my main. Started as a mere copy of Patrick's Lethe, but became the best character I have. What do you think about her? Is she too nice? Too evil? Too rough? Too awesome? Does she have too much of a tragic past?

Waiting for your answers! Thanks for reading, and even more thanks if you answer :3

[Old_Man_Tai]

Ill answer per catagory.

1. Based off my matches with you, I dont have any issues with how you RP, you dont take any liberties, you keep everything logical and realistic, and your a pretty cool person.

However, I have noticed, at least in our stuff, havent read much of your stuff on the board, you dont really assert yourself, out last match for example, instead of being a back and forth thing, was close to a squash considering the limited amount of moves you got in and that you allowed all of my attempted moves to connect, Maybe that was in character for the character you chose, I wouldnt know, but it made me feel like I was godmoding, when I wasnt trying to be. In the words of Helloween: "Push! Assert! Your Independence!" or something like that.

2. Tracy Snow is fine, you have a very nice mixture of her backround, how she got to AFW, happy and sad moments, and went in depth to her relationship with Seraphim, or however its spelled. Worlds better then those profiles on here that just say "Liked to fight, Came to AFW" on them.

All in all, I have no advice or criticism, except for you to assert yourself more....

OH! and that youve NEVER HAD BACON!!!! I take that as a severe INSULT to EVERYTHING that I stand for!!!

[Bluemouse]

This is directed at no one in particular, but just a few little suggestions based on things I've seen in my travels through the boards.

1. Use paragraphing! It not only makes your stuff easier to read, but if helps your writing to flow. Especially useful around dialog, and you can think of them as subject changes in your character's train of thought.

2. Read it back! Either while your writing or just after you do, make sure to read it out loud to yourself (or at least mouth it so you get the feel for it). A lot of sentence structure foibles and errors like that can be caught easily by doing that, but also it helps your writing to be more natural and conversational. Do this especially with dialog.

" title="Razz" />

[Jizzelle]

[quote="Bluemouse":3e9mxnvc]

1. Use paragraphing! It not only makes your stuff easier to read, but if helps your writing to flow. Especially useful around dialog, and you can think of them as subject changes in your character's train of thought.

" title="Razz" />

I agree that paragraphing would make it much easier to follow, however I disagree with the tidbit about it being useful around dialog. Since you can only control what your own character says, aside from matches where you control more than one character, only one character speaks at a time and since the paragraphing rule concerning dialog says to change when a new character speaks, we can't make a new one since we don't have the power to control the other character. That said, paragraphing, even in improper places, might be more aesthetically pleasing to the eye for some, like me. I don't hate walls of text, I'm intimidated by them which is why I like IMing so much. It allows me RP without having to worry if I'm using enough adverbs/adjectives. I know it's just circumventing the problem, but it's easier!

When I get out of the habit of IM matches, I plan on writing paragraphs and for those who have trouble, I offer a small tip that has helped me. Relate the first sentence of your new paragraph with ending of your previous paragraph. Ex:

I like sweets. They are eaten right after dinner, they are easy to bake and they come in many different varieties.

Some of the varieties include cake, pie and cookies.

... Trust me it sounds much better when it's more complex. xD

[anegge]

[quote="Ryoku":3u14xbpu]Alright, I guess I'll take the first bullet. Sounds like fun, and it'd surely help me improve.

1) To those who have RPed with me/ read any of my RPs. What should I work on? Is there anything I'm doing wrong?

I'm gonna agree with Tai. Your' characters tend towards being doormats. I feel like the match were you asserted yourself the best that we have had was Valerie vs Shizuka. There's nothing wrong with having a preference for losing (otherwise we'd have to kick Ryu out too), but we like more excitement in our matches.


My turn. Critique me or face a ban.* What is the area I most need to improve in my rps? Aside from not posting often enough. I know about that.

*I'm joking. Probably.

[Old_Man_Tai]

Oh boy, critique for a Mod...thats scary.

Well Egge...having had many rps with you....I dont really have much to say in terms of negative stuff.

Your word structure and vocabulary are good....your knowledge of wrestling moves and their effects are good.

Your characters are for the most part, unique and different from each other.

Really the only criticism I can give you is on occasion, your characters can sometimes be very similar, for example that blonde chick with the purple and yellow outfit, your version of Misty and Haruka...and I think one other girl youve used against me, all acted very alike. Also, this is just a minor thing, but in our Kairi vs Gord match, Gord shouldnt have taken nearly as much damage as he was made out to have taken, Kairi's weak, she shouldnt have gotten that much damage in...

I think thats the best way to word it, sometimes your characters are a bit too similar
While othertime's you allow things to happen to them that takes them out of character, as referenced in the Gord vs Kairi fight, Gords a giant bull thingy, Kairi is a 16 year old bitch, yet she brought him to his knees and I think to his back once if I remember correctly.

Anyway, besides that and your insistence to have a real life outside of AFW, I really dont have any issues with ya. Well, you let me win far to often, but besides that and above, no issues.

[Bluemouse]

More regarding paragraphing!

Changing paragraphs when a new character speaks is only part of the deal. An over simplification maybe. It's true that you need to change paragraphs when a new character speaks, but first for enormous monologues it is still sensible to use paragraphing. The form is to end the paragraph without closing the quotes, and start the new paragraph with another open quote. ie:

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah .

"blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ."

The other time would be when dialog is broken up by narrative. Such as "Says something." Does something. "Says something." Does something. "Says something." Does something. "Says something." As opposed to:

"Says something. Does something. "Says something."

Does something "Says something." Does something. "Says something."

You get the idea. Giant bricks of text have bugged me since college (when I actually became familiar with this thing called "reading").


And for Annegggge, are we talking about your rp's in threads with your characters, or how you rp your 'annnneeeeege' persona in discussion? Your next post may or may not be an example.

" title="Razz" />

[Cirno]

All my characters are either evil, too loli, too violent or just plain mysterious.

I only have one cute girl and that's Alea.

All negative crit's to my characters I consider the best compliments of my life.

/End

[zxn666]

To Cirno/Raiye/STOP CHANGING YOUR GODDAMNED NAME!!!11!!!!!

The fact that your characters are all borderline insane makes some people (me) afraid to send their characters into matches with them, on account of fearing for their lives.

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