Friendly critique thread?

[Alexandra]

Alright, here's the deal, yo...

I know I'm not the best writer/RPer on these boards, not by a longshot. However, especially recently, I've definately been trying to work on my game a little and trying to improve myself.

What I'd like to ask, is if any of you that I've matched with or have read my matches, have any advice/opinions/complaints about my matches or style that could help me? Don't be afraid to say how you feel, I won't take anything personally. : ) I'd just like some advice to better myself, is all.

(And, if anyone else feels the same way, that they could improve themselves, I'd like to open this thread to them too, to ask for advice or critiques if they would like it.)

[Bluemouse]

Tell you what, pick an rp that you think is a good representation of your style, and I'll read it and if I have any thoughts I'll wing them over to you via pm. " title="Smile" />

[Alexandra]

Fff, make me go back through all my matches why don't you... XD

http://afwrpg.informe.com/forum/gym-f21/ataru-vs-angel-for-alexandra-t3191.html
http://afwrpg.informe.com/forum/the-ring-f8/ranked-match-4-angel-versus-3-tiffany-laurence-t3863.html
http://afwrpg.informe.com/forum/backstage-f33/after-vanessa-s-defeat-t3201.html

Try either of these, I guess? I think it's good mix (though the first two are still WIPs)...

[Old_Man_Tai]

I Like Pie!

[Alexandra]

*cough* I'd rather not this thread devolve into random silliness like some of the other threads in Discussion, if that's okay? ^^;

[Harukasan]

You're perfect. Don't change.

[Bluemouse]

You say that now, but what happens when the honeymoon is over?

Anyway, I'm always open to criticism myself. As long as it's respectful and gently worded. I'm very delicate.

I'll translate for Tai. He said "that sounds like a good idea, and also I enjoy eating pie."

[Kelsea]

I think its great that you want to better yourself (not saying that you need improving, but rather that improvement is always a difficult process that not many aim specifically towards doing).

I didn't have that much time so only skimmed through the whole of your first match on your list and skimmed parts of the other threads.. I'll send a pm with a tip on what I felt could help you.

[Lobo]

I'd say just add more detail to your posts.

You rp great and I like the way you write. ^ ^

Just try to avoid one line posts as much as possible. Thats all imo, everything else is perfect to me. ^^

[Hawthorne22]

Want to have newfound respect for editors? Try to contribute to threads like this. Giving real constructive criticism is hard work.

I like your action pretty well, but in the snippets I've read, your characters are too sterile. I struggle with this immensely myself, but I think you could stand to giving us a bit more insight into the emotional progress of your characters in a given scene. And good heavens not by monologuing it, internally or through the omniscient narrator. That would be a step in the wrong direction... not to say that's not a necessary tool, but it's for a specific purpose. Description of what makes those emotional states obvious is probably better. Gives you a bit more movement and gives the reader a little step or two to read the character, but, again, everything in balance, but it's a good tick to pick up, and if you can mesh it with a straight up narration of your character's thoughts in a way that is better than anything I write, you'll be doing quite well.

Just a simple example, Vanessa is furious over her loss. Vallerie comes in, smarts off. Vanessa lashes out, "You saw me get my ass kicked... *beat* Where were you anyway?" (NOT VERBATIM QUOTE. " title="Razz" /> ). Was she lashing out because she was really expecting Vallerie to bail her out, or was she so furious at the loss she was just mad at the whole world? The distinction may not be obvious to Val, but the reader should get a pretty good idea. The beat was good, but what Vanessa did in that beat might have been more interesting. Pointing an accusatory finger at Vallerie, maybe. Perhaps Vanessa was even more annoyed that Vallerie was even in the room... or that she barely noticed her coming in because she was just that angry.

Then, Vallerie suggests beating the everloving shit out of the Tomcats. That's a turning point in her pissy mood, and probably could have used a bit more TLC. Depending on what would be in character, something to make the transition from a lousy mood to what would soon be a good one. Maybe a freeze in her pacing, a beat, spinning back around, her controlled anger replaced with a smile. And not just any smile. The bloodthirsty smile of a psycho. Or the vicious smile of a tiger eying a calf. Or the smile of the football player ready to absolutely wreck the other team's shit at the big game, refs be damned. You definitely don't want to use such needlessly verbal comparisons, but it would help, not just for thematic effect, but also as a good transition in Vanessa's mood as well as showing us whether she is doing this out of sheer sadism, "righteous" retribution, or just because she is a total dick.

That's all I can really say, anyway. I talk a whole lot of theory, but that's the advice you're getting. I'm not smart enough to do any better than that nonsense. " title="Razz" />

Just one more tip, you've got a big toolkit as a writer. If it feels like you're visiting a specific well too much, you're probably one or two more visits to that well away from actually having the readers notice what you're doing. Shake it up, but also, don't try to give the narrator voice moodswings. Either the narrator is inside the character's head, or isn't. You aren't guilty of this at all from what I've read, but I am just trying to really stress not to focus on the nonsense I'm saying as a how to guide but just as a flavor to sprinkle into the soup.

Also, if anyone wants to critique me, feel free. I WILL say, yes, I am FANTASTICALLY inconsiderate when it comes to prompt replies to posts. And I write ludicrous amounts of lesbian sex. If you do want to comment, at least tell me something I may not know at the moment. " title="Wink" />

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