Re: Improvement/Critique Thread

[LtLukas]

So, for those who have RPed with me, what do you guys think about my writing?

I am aware that I have a rather... limited vocabulary, considering that I don't even speak English in real life. But is there anything else you guys can point out about my writing?

I'll take a crack at it. Let's take this quote:

When Nanami saw Jessica making her appearance, she did her best to keep her expression neutral. She had seen many of the Violent Violet's matches already, and needless to say, she was considered to be one of the meanest and sexiest woman here in AFW, and for some good reasons too.

This passage, I thought was really good. We know what Nanami is thinking, and we have an insight into her head. But more importantly, we know why. She did her best to keep her expression neutral because she had seen Jessica's matches. We understand who Jessica is in relation to Nanami, and we understand why that has an effect on the first sentence. That is good. But we compare it to this:

Priscilla Haynes was waiting for her turn to make her entrance in the locker room, closing her eyes and crossing her arms under her chest. One might assume that she was sleeping, but she occasionally opened her eyes, looking at the backstage crew that was in charge of giving cue to those who were to fight in matches. There was a TV in the locker room, displaying her soon-to-be opponent making her entrance. Soon, it would be her turn to make her appearance.

"It's time, Haynes-san," a worker informed her, and she acknowledged the worker as she got up from her seat, making one last adjustment on her attire, which consisted of a black-and-white leotard with the image of an inverted cross on her torso, detached sleeves with the same colors as the leotard, a pair of gray gloves, dark leather long boots and a pantyhose that covered the entirety of her legs but still allowed to display their shapely figure. She also wore a dark blue cape that she would take off before the match started.

"Thank you," Priscilla said to the worker as she headed to the stage. As she walked to the entrance, her theme song, Rage Awakened, had been played while the image of abstract-looking thorny vines was displayed on the titantron. The projections of the same thorny vines could also be seen on the ramp, spreading down to the ring before they disappeared as soon as Priscilla made her appearance.

This kinda feels like 'and-then' story telling. When you say this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened, you risk losing the reader. We look for reasons for things to happen. Why was she closing her eyes? Was she replaying old matches in her head? What is the cape for? Does she want to be a superheroine? You are usually pretty good about it, so it kinda stands out when you don't do it. Perhaps it is worth it to go for 'because' sort of writing, which provides reasons for as much as possible. If you are experiencing writer's block, try using words like since, because, due to, etc. etc.

This leads to my next point. When you find yourself in a situation when there is no recourse but to have a sequence of events. One of the ways you can keep a reader engaged is by creating two juxtaposing narratives. For example, Priscilla had thorny vines on the jumbotron, but she was really a nice girl. She always played fair and etc. etc. You tend to overuse the word still. Try using different words like however, although, nonetheless, etc. etc. You can try throwing a few 'buts' in, to make the story more compelling.

Overall, your vocab is actually not that bad, though. I would not really worry about that.

[LtLukas]

Just gonna casually throw my hat into this ring and see what happens....

be gentle pls

You got it.

Did someone in AFW management know about Julia’s recent meeting and workout with one of Friction’s newest recruits? Or had they chosen the cowgirl’s next opponent simply by chance? Either way, tonight Julia was scheduled to go one on one with the lively Irishwoman, Peggy McIntyre!

This was kind of hard to read. To be quite frank, you are one of the better writers on the site. When you have a question mark in the narration, it breaks the fourth wall. This is not usually that bad, but I feel like you are a good enough writer to work these questions into the story without it being so jarring. It feels like you are telling me to be interested in the story, without it working on its own merits. Also, I am equally guilty of this, but try to avoid using exclamation marks. It is like laughing at your own jokes. It is a shorthand way to say something - later on you explain why it is a big deal, so this just seems kinda tacky, to be honest.

But just to reiterate, this problem is small, and somewhat marginal. For the most part, you are a pretty good writer.

[M.J.Caboose14]

Hmm not sure I agree with you on that one Lukas. That seems like a perfectly fine way to write to me

[LARIATO]

You suffer from SIPS

Slightly Imperfect Posting Speed...which tbf...I am just as bad at...

"Slightly" may be a bit generous lol but thanks, I appreciate it

Did someone in AFW management know about Julia’s recent meeting and workout with one of Friction’s newest recruits? Or had they chosen the cowgirl’s next opponent simply by chance? Either way, tonight Julia was scheduled to go one on one with the lively Irishwoman, Peggy McIntyre!

This was kind of hard to read. To be quite frank, you are one of the better writers on the site. When you have a question mark in the narration, it breaks the fourth wall. This is not usually that bad, but I feel like you are a good enough writer to work these questions into the story without it being so jarring. It feels like you are telling me to be interested in the story, without it working on its own merits. Also, I am equally guilty of this, but try to avoid using exclamation marks. It is like laughing at your own jokes. It is a shorthand way to say something - later on you explain why it is a big deal, so this just seems kinda tacky, to be honest.

But just to reiterate, this problem is small, and somewhat marginal. For the most part, you are a pretty good writer.

Very fair points. Thanks for both the compliments and the criticism. I'll try to tone it down on stuff like that ^^

[RadiantKarna332]

Thank you, my friend.

[SleeperAgent94]

I'm aware from people that my biggest problems are my short posts and matches. I usually struggle with longer stories, mostly due to an experience where RP'ing with another guy got dragged out for 20 pages, despite me trying to end it.

Though im fully aware my writing isnt that good hahahahaha ;-; Though at the very least the matches im doing are fun, and thats what counts.

[Harrier]

I also would have never guess that you are not a native speaker, Radiant. I am neither, so I can´t really comment on details of your work, but the sheer number of your currently active threads speaks for itself.

And I always have a little smile on my face when I read the name Lunchador. Pretty creative. And it indeed means something to me that I made the list!^^

I have to admit that I always was a little bit confused who was now in the dojo in which position and who would do what with whom, but that was more of a structural than a writing problem. The matches I had with you are some of my favorites, and posting speed is something you sometimes have no open space or simply no motivation to write at this special day.

And regarding SleeperAgent, I am not really a Tension guy and thought you were deeply entrenched in Tension, so I did not always follow everything you wrote. But that the potential is there seems obvious to me.

[PlaymakerBD]

Maybe I'm my own worst critic but I feel like my posts so far could be better. English isn't my first language so I tend to overuse the same words out of impulse. Any tips?

[Sylvie]

I haven't had a match with most of you, so I don't expect to get feedback for a while However, whether it's now or in six months, I'll always welcome advice on any of the following:
Style
-How can I avoid "purple prose" and over-description?
-How can I make my writing more clear and less confusing? On that note, how can I make my transitions smoother?
-What can I cut from my writing to make it more lean without losing something essential?
Characters
-How can I improve my dialogue?
-How can I make my characters less melodramatic and more relatable?
Tone/Content
-How can I make my writing sexier?
-How can I make the action faster-paced and more visceral?
General
-What are some of your pet peeves that show up in my writing?

English isn't my first language so I tend to overuse the same words out of impulse.

We haven't had any matches, so I've only read a little bit of your writing, but I have some general advice if you get stuck for words: write a few drafts. Word vomit without editing in the first draft. Take a 20+ minute break to clear your mind, then come back and rewrite a second draft more slowly and thoughtfully. Then, take what you like from each draft and edit them together. To prevent this from taking forever, consider setting a timer that seems reasonable on both drafts.

This helps me break out of writer's block situations because it gives me a couple perspectives and several different ways of phrasing things. The timer also helps me get out of fixations and to keep writing. It won't help your vocabulary problem--if you have one, only time and practice will help that--but it might help you use the words you do know more artfully.

Hope that's helpful

[WrestleMind]

Wanted to revive this thread do my best to address a few of your questions with my own personal methods. I'm certainly imperfect and am actively looking for people to criticize me. 

Style

• Generally, I like to narrow down the details to what I feel are most important. The thing I always describe in detail includes (the steps involved in more complicated moves, the damage that is taken, the after-effects of those moves, and the characters words when appropriate.  Also, similes are a great way to offer clear visualization in a few words.
  
  
• For clearer writing finds logical ways of separating different chunks. For instance by the move, or by who has the upper hand in a match. Also, ignore extraneous details. 
  
  
• I always try to cut everything but the wrestlers themselves. Things I've dropped: (specific entrance music, announcers, if a character has a family they only exist for the backstory.) I even avoid tag matches as so many characters become difficult to account for. 
  

Characters

• To make dialogue more distinct id suggest having quirks for each character. For instance: a girl who curses a lot, a girl who speaks mainly in idioms, or a foreigner who speaks broken English. It's gimmicky but it works.
  
• To make your characters relatable have empathy. By this I mean consider how you would feel in their shoes. Even people far different than ourselves are still human and would likely feel things similar to us.
  

Tone/Content

• Guess it depends on what about wrestling is sexy to you. For me, it's all about vividly describing the violence done to my characters and the vulnerability that follows. 
  
  
• That's a tough one. Usually, I slow the pace down because I'm weak in this area. For faster writing id suggest cutting detail.
  
  

P.s. good luck and have fun! I know i am!

[Sponsored content]