All The Things I'm Not

Taylor tried to keep up her apathetic mask, but she could feel her cheeks flush as Junko left the room. She stared at the same spot on the carpet until her mother-in-law was all the way up the stairs, and then glanced around. The fact that no one else had said anything was... well, it probably wasn't a good sign.

She sat in silence for a while and kept her eyes on the movie as it opened up with shots of Manhattan in the nineties, and an exploding city block. It seemed fitting.

"I'm not trying to be an asshole," she assured the others. "Like... I dunno, okay? I'm just..." She sighed, and let her head roll back against the backrest. "Ugh."

Johnny took Taylor's hand and squeezed it. "I know, babe. Mom's not in the best place either right now, so I guess she was just sensitive over it." He said.

Akashi looked down. The issue was a bit complicated for her so she kept silent.

Gabbie lifted her head. "If Sensei still wants to keep it going, I still need the wrestling training. Even if it's just the two of us, she might like that." Gabbie said, trying to offer up some consolation. She was having a hard time with Taylor's behavior right now, but it wasn't her place to speak on it. With all of the times she had nearly gotten into a fight with Gabbie over thinking and saying things about Cassie, Taylor seemed to be doing the exact same thing. Gabbie was disappointed and confused but really, she didn't know what to think.

"She SHOULD be!" Taylor guffawed. "Fuckin'..."

Even without Junko, the tension in the room seemed to build. Taylor's face only turned a deeper shade of red, and she got up to put her place of almost untouched food back on the table. She couldn't hold still and she couldn't sit down, and she tried to divert her attention back to the movie and let the uneasiness blow over but she just couldn't do it.

She was already standing behind everyone, and she tried to avoid their attention as she quietly left up the stairs.

Johnny opened his mouth when Taylor spoke, but closed it. He supported his wife and loved his mother. There was no good position to take except holding his tongue and holding Taylor's hand until she got up.

As Taylor left, the other three looked at each other, trying to silently figure out what to say.

Meanwhile, Junko was sitting on the couch. She had just been sitting silently, but when she saw Taylor come up the stairs, she quickly shuffled into the kitchen. She knew it was probably futile, but she did so anyway.

The older woman fished out some sake and began to pour herself a drink.

Taylor reached the top of the stairs and saw Junko headed to the kitchen, and she almost turned around and went back down to the basement. It just wasn't a big enough house to avoid confrontation with several people at once.

She sighed to herself and reluctantly walked into the kitchen as well. After Junko poured her drink, Taylor took the bottle and a glass, one much larger than usual for sake, and filled it nearly to the top.

She muttered something under her breath, not quite loud enough, and took a drink.

"Hm."

As Taylor came in and poured a large drink of sake that was unsuitable for almost anyone, the small noise was the only response Junko gave. She left her own shot of sake where she poured it and turned away from Taylor. She shuffled to the door that lead outside and opened it. She was thankful that the season was unusually mild because she had every intention of going outside and sitting on the porch swing.

If Taylor wanted to talk to her, then she could talk to her, but she wasn't going to mess around and she would rather sit out in the cold than do anything like that.

Taylor narrowed her eyes at Junko's back as the woman left her behind in the kitchen without a word. Her hand clenched the glass of sake tightly, and as Junko left she drank down the whole glass and slammed it down on the counter.

"I'M SORRY I DON'T DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT!" She shouted after her, whether she could hear her from outside or not. "I'm sorry I'm not a robot whose sole purpose in life is to beat chicks up in a ring! I'm sorry that I don't want to spend every second of every day obsessing about how someone else is going to hurt me, and how I can hurt them worse! And I'm sorry that I don't want to do it with the two-faced bitches that you think are SO FUCKING GREAT!"

She was fuming, breathing hard, her belly full of sake burning as she paused. Her thoughts raced, and after a moment more of them overflowed into her mouth. "I'm not gonna put up with their shit! I'm not gonna train people to fight who are just gonna turn into the bad guys! I'm not the Dojo's fucking slave, or yours, or Lukretia's, and I'm not going to do the same thing everyday until I'm stuck in a wheel chair for the rest of my life, and I'm NOT going to APOLOGIZE for that! I'm not gonna let you guys bully me into doing what YOU want by going on about HOW DISAPPOINTED you are in me! If you're disappointed, be that way, I don't give a flying FUCK!"

Junko closed her eyes as Taylor shouted through the door. Halfway through she lifted the sleeve of her kimono up to her eyes and covered them. When Taylor finished, Junko used her other hand to pull up her glasses for a moment. She then stood up and, keeping her eyes low to the ground, opened the door.

"Taylor-chan." Junko said softly. "I've said it before. There's nothing you could do that would make me disappointed in you but right now, I do not want to talk to you... but since you seem to insist..."

Junko lifted her head and looked at Taylor with bleary eyes. "You can make any decision you like, but you're being utterly disrespectful about how you're making your decisions. No one's bullying you about anything. I think everyone has been pretty fair to you, all things considered. No one told you to do anything. No one is forcing you to do anything at all. In fact, I think everyone has gone out of their way to allow you to make all the decisions you want. I say one word about how you're handling it, and you throw a fit? No. Don't you dare come to me about not being bullied or pushed around when you have no regard for anyone else's feelings whatsoever right now!"

Junko's eyes hardened. "Do you know how utterly awful I feel about what happened!? Do you even CARE!?" Her voice rose up. "Why should you as long as no one is telling you what to do!? Why should it matter to you that you want to destroy what we've worked so hard to build without even talking it over!? Do whatever you want, Taylor-chan! No one's ever stopped you! But don't you DARE act like I forced you into this or bullied you into anything and don't you DARE act like I didn't cry my eyes out every single time you were in that ring and faced with a serious injury!"

Junko's eyes welled up once again. "I've done nothing but devote myself to you, Taylor-chan. I can't believe you even said those words to me..." She said as she brought her sleeve up to her face again.

Taylor set her jaw firmly and steeled her gaze as Junko stepped back into view. Looking tough when she felt like dying was her bread and butter. She was still a world champ at that.

But Junko wasn't fighting her like her other opponents. The others wanted to hurt her, but Junko didn't. It was unbearable.

"I... haven't said one word about what happened..." She said in a low, quivering voice. She cast about trying to find her next words, and put a hand to her forehead.

"I..." She tried to fire back at Junko, but she had lost steam. "I have devoted myself to this thing, night and day, and I have given all I could, so I think maybe I deserve a little bit of slack." Her brow knit together and her face was red, and she couldn't look directly at Junko. She squirmed under the agony of the moment, and little by little she became less fierce and more pathetic. <I don't know what I'm doing, but my therapist says that I should get comfortable with these feelings about not wanting to fight, but I think the only way I'm comfortable with anything is if it's a fight.>

Junko kept her sleeve over her eyes, lifting it up enough to let her mouth show. "I know." Junko said. "You've been very careful not to say anything, but don't think I haven't seen it in your eyes. Words, I think I could deal with, at least." Junko said softly. "And, I think you've been given lots of slack. No one's said anything to you about it or anything until just a few minutes ago and look at what happened."

Junko lowered her sleeve when she thought she had caught all of her tears in it. She looked at Taylor and shook her head. "I love you no matter what." Junko said. "If leaving wrestling is truly what's in your heart, then of course I support you. The only thing I want is for you to be happy. You're my precious daughter." Junko reached out and touched Taylor's cheek with her dry sleeve.

"But, please, I'm begging you not to make any decision while your emotions are still running high. Once you've cooled off and thought about it and talked it over with Junichi-kun, then whatever you decide, I'll support you. I'm not done getting over what happened yet. At least not to the point where I can handle life altering decisions at such a rapid pace. I need some time and I don't think you taking some either is bullying you into anything."