All The Things I'm Not

Taylor sat on the edge of the tub in the second floor bathroom of her modest Hamamatsu home for what felt like hours. She stared down at her gray socks and was almost perfectly still, and in the silence there was nothing to distract her. Her soul ached.

She had already cried and cried, but she had reached the point where enough was enough, and she had already gone through this once before when Kelly, and Death Bunny and Brittany, had taken her title. That loss had been crushing and agonizing, but this time was different. She felt defeated. Brittany needed Karisma to help her to get the win, and it was anything but clean, but that didn't matter. She had once again lost the title she had fought so hard to win, and in record time.

Her chest hurt. Her hands trembled, even when she tucked them under her thighs. She hadn't looked in the mirror yet, now that it was done, but she looked at the electric clippers resting on the sink, and the pile of blonde and red hair that ran over the edge of the sink and onto the floor. She pulled out her phone and found a picture of herself from her first year in AFW, newly turned twenty, fresh-faced, and spunky. It seemed like ages ago.

With a deep breath, she stood to brave her reflection, and for a long time all she could do was stare. Her beautiful blonde hair was all but gone, save for less than an inch. Without her hair draped around her face, there was nothing to conceal the scars, several on her forehead, one on her eyebrow where it had split, the scar tissue around the other eye where her orbital bone had been broken. Her nose was straight and sharp and perfect in the picture, but in the mirror is was crooked, weathered, and ugly. It had been badly broken several times by several people who she would now rather forget.

She looked at the picture again, at the vivacity and spirit and hope in that girl, and then back in the mirror, and her heart broke. Her career in wrestling had consumed her whole life for years. She had given everything to it, sacrificed her own comfort and set aside her fears. She had suffered terribly, and persevered. And for what? To reach the top, only to get kicked off by some low-rent cheater. What good did any of it do?

She knew in her heart that her wrestling career was a mistake. Despite all the triumphs of the last five years, all the money she had made, the fame she had achieved, she would've been better off fighting her way through a two-year college than through a locker room full of vicious, cheating, lesbians. She had thrown away her happiness, and her reputation, and now she didn't think she would ever be able to do what she really wanted to do. What parents would ever want her near their kids?

Now she had a house halfway around the world, a buzzed-off head, a busted-up body, an anxiety disorder, and no title to show for any of it. Only her resignation to the reality of it gave her some measure of peace.

She left the bathroom, she'd clean up the mess later, and walked downstairs, probably to face Junko, or Johnny, and hopefully not Julia or Alaina.

It had been rough after the match was over. Junko herself had spent her time being quite angry with herself. She had taken the loss far more personally than she had any of the other losses her girls had faced. Even when Taylor lost the title the first time, this was a bit different. If she had stayed her ground, if she had moved to stop Karisma physically, then Taylor would still be the champ. She deserved it. The title belonged to her and she had immediately began to lobby for a rematch, but her pleas seemed to fall on deaf ears.

She knew Taylor had needed space too. If she could gauge her own feelings against Taylor's, she still couldn't even imagine how her daughter was taking it. However, she wasn't going to let Taylor wallow too long and so she called up her son and arranged a field trip to Hamamtsu with the dojo.

Akashi had been there a while, but Junko and Gabbie had just arrived. Alaina and Julia were supposed to meet later.

Johnny himself had tried his best to console his wife, but he knew that it was going to be difficult. It was hard to tell the woman that he loved that her decisions weren't in vein when it felt like such a crushing defeat was still so fresh. It didn't seem like Taylor had any fight left in her whatsoever and that's what crushed Johnny more than anything. He was a strong guy but felt so powerless. There was nothing his strong body could do. However, he agreed with his mother when she called and said that she was bringing the girls down.

Akashi also knew that Taylor needed space. She'd been on the receiving end of some pretty big losses in her career and knew that time was the only thing that could help soothe the pain. She just hoped that Taylor didn't need too much time before she was back and ready for another fight.

The group of four were sitting there when Taylor finally came down, showing off her 'new look.' Johnny Junko and Akashi immediately stood up, even though all of them visibly gasped.

"Babe..." Johnny whispered.

"Imouto-chan!" Akashi said a bit louder and with more force behind her words.

Junko was on Taylor in an instant. "Oh, my daughter!" She said, reaching up to run her fingers through what little hair remained. "Oh, not your beautiful hair." She said softly, mourning the loss of the blonde locks.

Taylor scowled. On another day the group would've been a welcome sight, but now she couldn't even bring herself to look at them, except to shook Junko an angry look as she walked past them to the kitchen.

"Fuck off, it's just hair," she grumbled.

She went to the fridge and got a glass of water, and then leaned in the doorway, hiding partly behind the door frame, and regarded the group from afar. She thought to say something, but she had nothing to say to them. She knew any kind of conversation would just help them make her life more difficult.

Junko furrowed her brow when Taylor dismissed her. She followed a short distance and wagged her finger. "I don't care what happened, don't you ever say something like that to me!" Junko scolded. She crossed her arms and stared at Taylor for a moment before she glanced between Johnny and Akashi.

"That's not fair, Imouto-chan." Akashi said. "I know the loss was tough, but you'll be back in full form in no time." Akashi said and nodded, trying not to be kept down by the rather dour mood.

"Babe..." Johnny said as he moved over to Taylor. He slipped to her side and put a hand on her hip. "I think you look tough as fuck." He said. "No one's going to even think of messing with you now!"

Gabbie remained quiet. She was there for solidarity and support, but she wasn't sure what she could say or do. She didn't really understand the feelings that permeated the room though she could sympathize with losing to someone who was obviously inferior because of cheating.

"Thanks, babe," Taylor said to Johnny while directing her level gaze at Junko.

She glanced at Gabbie, who was about as quiet as she expected. The two of them had hardly got along since the little Canadian's arrival, and while their greatest bond was their mutual love of fighting, Taylor knew that they were kindred spirits. She thought of her as her little sister, or maybe half sister, estranged through divorce and life-complications.

She was too embarrassed to look Akashi in the eye. Being Akashi's sister took courage and tenacity, and now Taylor felt like she had none, and she couldn't live up to her role as Akashi's imouto. She wished she could erase the tattoo off of her neck. Taylor's loss had undoubtedly cost Akashi her title shot as well, and she was deeply ashamed.

But there was one person she could always talk to, and who she knew would always give it to her straight. "Where's Morgan?"

Johnny nodded and leaned in to kiss Taylor on the cheek. He gave her hip a squeeze and leaned against her.

When she asked where Morgan was, everyone looked at each other. The girl's presence was rather ubiquitous in the house that Johnny didn't even think about her.

"I think she's downstairs..." Johnny said, looking around. "I think she was getting some food ready since everyone was comin over. You want me to go get her?" Johnny asked.

Taylor put her hand on Johnny's, her other on her hip, and for a moment she only stared back at the group.

"No," she said. "I'll go find her."

She gave Johnny's hand a squeeze and walked through the living room to the basement stairs.

"Morg?" She called as she descended to the finished, carpeted basement, one side of which consumed by the home theater that Morrigan had helped set up. Well, not helped. The one Morrigan had built. She approached the redhead, but kept a distance between them.

"Got a sec?"

"Yeah."

Morrigan called as Taylor descended the stairs she turned and looked to meet Taylor's gaze, but as she saw the buzzed hair, her hand instantly went to her mouth to stifle her laugh.

"Holy shite." She jutted her hip off and played it a bit more casually. "I'm flattered you went full bull dyke to try and get in my pants, but I keep telling you, I'm not interested so just go back to that musclely beard of yours."

Morrigan waved Tayor over. "I got some pretty garbage food. It'll make you fat as hell, but it's fine. Have a little bit, ok?"

"What's up, though?"

"Yeah..." Taylor said, and ran a hand over her freshly shorn head. She wasn't self conscious about it, but... Well, shit, she was self conscious as hell. It was a terrible mistake, but one she was sticking with. It felt right. She had to do something.

Before she was overwhelmed by the conflicting thoughts swirling in her head, she reached out and gave Morrigan's shoulder a nudge. "So like... I wanted to talk to you about options..." She said sheepishly. "And like... About what you think."

Morrigan raised her eyebrow as Taylor spoke. "Options?" She asked. "What I think? Are you about to thank me for my time because you lost a fucking match?" She said, peering at Taylor.

"If you want to know how I feel about what happened in the match, you probably don't. If it's something else, maybe I'm just not getting it. C'mon, Sinead, now's not the time to strap your vag back on after walking around with your grapes out for so long." Morrigan's tone was sharp, but she wasn't sure how to act, so she defaulted to overly aggressive. Everyone else was probably tiptoeing around Taylor. Morrigan wasn't going to do that, that was for sure.