All The Things I'm Not

Taylor wasn't surprised at all by Gabby, and again she just shrugged.

"Angel beat me and I got a rematch. Kelly beat me, kinda, and I got a rematch. Now Brittany beat me. I think they might be fresh out of handouts for me," she said, unable to conceal her bitterness. "The whole thing is a joke, anyway. I worked my whole life for that moment, and some skank took it away with a handful of glitter, and a little help..."

She paused. Without looking at her, she was intensely aware of Junko's presence, like she just knew that she was staring at her. She shrugged again and swished her hand in the air.

"AFW's no place for a real fighter, anyway. Everyone in it is a big fuckin' joke."

When she became too uncomfortable, she walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge, forgetting that she already had poured a glass of water. She pulled out a pitcher of filtered water, but then put it back and grabbed a beer instead.

Gabbie stood up as Taylor brushed her off and walked away. She marched to the kitchen and Junko grabbed her arm but the blonde shrugged it off. She stood in front of the kitchen and stared at Taylor.

"If there was one match that you probably didn't deserve a rematch for, it was against Angel. She beat you fair and square in the middle of the ring. It would have been fine if you had licked your wounds, had some more matches and came back to test yourself against her later. No one would have held it against you. She was the champ and just the better woman on that day. But, she's not the better woman." Gabbie said.

"You goaded her into a rematch. Most girls wouldn't have let you, or, maybe they would. Maybe you're that good. So you came back and beat her and it was pretty rough. Maybe you're right about AFW being a joke. I always thought that anyway because of ... because of lots of reasons." Gabbie said, blushing a bit as her eyebrows furrowed in distaste.

"If they didn't have that stupid contract thing, you could have had a great run as champ, I'm sure. At least, I believe it. And Kelly took it from you and you fought like a woman possessed to get it back even when most people would have quit. What Brittany and her friend did was terrible but compared to what Kelly did, it wasn't much of anything. Brittany sucks. But you don't suck."

Gabbie looked hard at Taylor. She opened her mouth to continue but then closed it. She had something else to say but even as honest as she could be, she knew those words weren't honest, but selfish and cruel.

She slouched and looked at Taylor, her stern presence completely abandoning her as she was washed over with a rather visible melancholy. "I don't care what you do now." She began again, muttering a bit. "It's your life, but whatever you do, you have people that look up to you, so you better keep that in mind when you make that decision."

Gabbie stepped past Taylor and opened the fridge as well. "Hey, Johnny, can I have some of that juice you're always bragging about?"

Johnny was instantly in the kitchen like a dog who had just been asked if they wanted a treat. He had heard Gabbie's words, everyone had, but Johnny hoped being there would keep a situation from percolating into something more. He looked at Taylor and saw the beer in her hand and then looked back to Gabbie.

Taylor gripped the can tightly in her hand and was frozen in place while Gabbie spoke, carefully keeping her face what she thought was an apathetic mask. She had to wait until Gabbie finished and she no longer had her attention before she could bring herself to pop open the can, and though she started like she meant to drain the entire can at once, she could hardly swallow any.

"I beat three former champs to get my rematch with Angel," she corrected. "Even if one was a champion of nowhere, Oregon. I beat Dixie and Brittany back to back, in the same night, and Brittany and the other chick were my two fastest and most dominant wins ever. I fucking murdered Brittany. I deserved that one."

She was so tired of hearing herself talk about this shit that it was just unbearable, but she rolled her eyes and got to the point. "Kelly didn't cheat. She used her contract like a pussy, but it wasn't against the rules. So why should I get a rematch against her? And if I run my mouth about earning everything with how I fight and never needing a handout, how would I be able to live with myself if they just gave me a rematch against Brittany?"

Eugh. She washed the dirty taste out of her mouth with several big swallows of beer. "Fuck, man. Akashi should be next, anyway. You wanna stand here and tell me I deserve it more than her?" She made a sour face, and her voice dropped. "And Jesus fucking Christ, man, if you want a role model, she's right over there." She jerked her neck toward Akashi in the other room. "Don't fucking give me that shit just because you wanna fuckin'... Make my decisions for me."

"I don't want to make anything for anyone." Gabbie said, her body stiffening as her shoulders rolled back. "I think Akashi's great too." She added. "I never once came to this place to find some role model. I was perfectly fine coming here and boxing in Momentum!"

Johnny looked between them and heed out his hand. "Um, hey..." He said, smiling awkwardly. Gabbie ignored him.

"You came to me and suddenly I'm a wrestler! Suddenly I'm involved in all of this stuff and... I don't actually mind it. It's different, it's challenging and..." Gabbie looked down. "I actually kind of like it and, I kind of owe you for that." Gabbie said a bit shyly.

Gabbie shook her head, regrouping and focusing her thoughts back to where they needed to be. "So, why didn't you dominate Brittany again this time?" That was really all that was needed to be said. "If you would have won as fast as you did before, her friend wouldn't have been able to even come down the ramp. Did she get that much better?" Gabbie really didn't know, or even understand, but she had an idea about the answer.

Taylor made a face like she was going to have to smack Gabbie in mouth, but she realized that the Canadian wasn't trying to talk trash, and when Taylor tried to come up with an honest answer, she had...

"I... Eh..."

Nothing. She choked on her words and and glanced at the others as if they would help her. She couldn't blame Junko for the way the match went, even if the way it ended was a little bit her fault.

"I dunno..."

She had no answer. While Brittany had improved, Taylor thought she had improved a lot more, and yet... She had felt impotent during the match, like she couldn't hurt Brittany, as if she had somehow lost everything that had previously made her a killer. She had planted Brittany's head on the mat with a float-over DDT, and Brittany didn't even flinch. After the loss, Taylor's confidence was utterly shattered.

When she found herself beginning to betray her feelings on her face, she waved the question off. "Goddamn, dude, I don't really wanna talk about that stupid match, okay? Shit, man, I mean... Whatever. I'm sure you guys can all watch the tape and talk about everything that went wrong, but fuck it, I'm done with that shit. I don't fucking care."

She slapped her half-can of beer back on the counter and went to leave the room, but she was running out of places to go to get away from people. She couldn't just run off to her bedroom like a child. She didn't want to go to the gym in the garage.

Gabbie lowered her head as Taylor spoke. She was now even more sure that her initial thoughts had been right, but vocalizing them wasn't productive. The last thing she wanted to do was make a scene. She looked up to Taylor because she was strong and confident and never gave up. Gabbie was even more conflicted now and she just turned her head as Taylor slapped her beer on the counter.

"No one's going to do that, Taylor-chan." Junko said finally. Her voice was firm but not accusing. It was a difficult situation for the older woman to be in, but she knew she couldn't falter.

"No one's here to say anything about it. We're all here because we love you. You don't need to hide things from us." She said. "Whatever you want to do, we're here to support you. All of us. But we can't do that unless you want to open up. The match wasn't "no big deal." She said and looked down. "And looking forward, with whatever you want to do is fine, but don't pass it off like that when Gabbie-chan is just worried. When we're all worried." Junko closed her eyes and crossed her arms under her chest. She knew that Taylor blamed her and she blamed herself as well. She didn't know if she could live it down, especially if her daughter was going to hold it against her forever.

Johnny slipped behind Taylor and touched her hips with his hands, trying to give her some comfort. "Babe..." He whispered softly.

Taylor instinctively leaned back against Johnny and closed her eyes. "I feel..." She said unsteadily. "Like... If I show any sign of weakness, I'm letting you guys down. Like I'm supposed to always be ready for the next match no matter what and never let it get me down, but guys... This is my life. This is all I get, and do you really think the most important thing is that I run off and get my face smashed every few weeks for nothing? Is that really all I..."

She trailed off and shook her head. "I just need some air," she said, and grabbed her black winter coat on the way to the door before sitting to pull on her boots.

As Taylor passed by them and went to the genkan to put her boots on, the four looked at each other. There wasn't much that they could say, but Akashi decided to step up. She moved into the foyer and slipped her geta sandals on over her tabi socks and looked down at Taylor.

"I'll come out too." She said simply, giving Taylor a soft smile. She reached out and pulled on her own very large wool coat and buttoned it up.

Taylor looked up at Akashi while she pulled on her boots. She stood, pulled on her black leather jacket over her gray hoodie, and nodded to the sumo before stepping out the front door.

The unseasonable warmth lent itself to the feeling of portent, and rarity and impending change. Taylor had no idea what would happen next, and it made her heart beat faster and her mind race. She found some small peace walking along the sidewalk, hands stuffed in her pockets, next to her "big sister".

"Everyone just wants me to be one thing," she lamented to Akashi.

"I don't care what you are, as long as you're my Imouto." Akashi said simply, walking along side Taylor. "There's nothing you could do to ever disappoint me unless you betrayed my trust and faith and friendship and turned into some kind of horrible person, but I don't believe that's possible, so there's nothing you should worry about. I think that you would say the same for me, and I am not going to be that kind of person either, so there's nothing to worry about for either of us."

Akashi turned and looked at Taylor She held out her hand, extended a pinkie and wiggled it. "If you never wrestled a day in your life, I think that somehow, we'd still end up as sisters." She said. "Maybe we were in another life already. I don't know but.. I believe in destiny, so I believe that we'd have met no matter what the circumstances were."

Akashi let her hand drop to her side and was silent for a long moment. "The only thing that ever makes me sad is seeing you unhappy but that's what happens when you love someone with all your heart." Akashi smiled and looked at Taylor. "If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask. That's the only thing I'm asking from you, Imouto-chan."