How about that match? (for Bluemouse)

Chigusa could tell by the forcefulness of Taylor's denials that she did think that of Chigusa. Not that she minded, it had been this way for practically her entire wrestling career. People always thought they were better than her because she was supposed to be a cream puff idol who looked good getting squashed. Even when she did win lots of people chalked it up to flukes. At the very least Taylor respected her enough to know she won fair and square.

Chigusa sat through Taylor's tirade, listening to the girl vent her troubles. They had been festering for quite some time it seemed. Chigusa understood Taylor's pain. She felt it often enough.

"You just recovered Taylor, and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in," Chigusa said, "And you still might have won, had there been no interference." She looked down for a moment, deciding what to say, before looking back up at the crying girl before her.

"I was in your position for most of my career," she said, "Even worse really; at least the crowd knows that you're a strong fighter. In the beginning, people actually came to watch me get squashed. They paid money to see me lose Taylor, do you have any idea how depressing that is? Hell... I'm pretty sure a good chunk of my fans still do."

"I've thought about giving up lots of times. When I lost the tag title because fucking Lukretia drugged me, when Adrian stomped me out of a shot at the rankings, when Sarah Gatt's goons beat me up and locked me in my own locker. But I'm still here, and I'm still fighting. Do you want to know why I can continue?"

She paused to take a breath. "I've got friends that need me and fans that love me. And that's enough. I don't care how far I need to push myself, or what kinds of humiliating things I get put through. So long as there are people willing to support me, I will continue. And isn't that the same for you? You've got lots of friends who count on you to be there, and your fans are just as loud as mine. So what else do you want? Stop thinking about yourself Taylor, quit being selfish. There's a lot more to it than just you."

Taylor sat quietly while Chigusa ran through the three bad things that had ever happened to her. And yet, heroically, she kept going, and why?

"Because you're dumb?" Taylor snarked. That wasn't true, though, it was probably more the money. She snorted. What a load of shit. By the time Chigusa finished, though, Taylor was pissed, so much that she couldn't immediately find words to express it.

"Selfish? What the fuck is wrong with you? First off, who the hell counts on me to be here? The fans will forget all about me a week after I'm gone. And what about you? Don't you have friends and fans who count on you to be doing the popstar thing and touring and shit? Aren't you being selfish by doing what you want to do and wrestling instead of shaking your ass and giving oral to a microphone?"

If she wasn't so deflated, she might have been ready to fight, but what was the point? She'd just get her ass kicked anyway. It didn't matter how fast or strong or tough or talented or skilled she was, it never amounted to anything. She was stronger and faster than Chigusa, she worked harder, she was tougher... she was better than Chigusa in every single area, and yet she still got worked. She just couldn't understand it, and it drove her nuts. The same went for Heather, and Brittany... Adrian didn't count. She did beat the shit out of her. But... something had to give. Why was she bothering to kill herself in the gym every single day if it never paid off?

"Know what, if you want to talk about how selfish I am, go find Akashi. I'm sure you two would get along great." She growled. She just wanted to get rid of Chigusa. Maybe she should just go home, but... that wasn't a great option. She'd convinced Cassie to go home and leave her alone only after a solid hour of trying, and if she went home she'd just be subjected to more of Cassie's genuine concern and helpfulness. It was like salt in a wound. That, and everything in her apartment was in some way wrestling-related.

"I'm sure Akashi has her perspective about you. But from what I see, you are selfish," Chigusa said, "Where did you get that conceited idea that you need to be better than everyone anyways? You've been here for two years and you're already a huge success, but you can't see it just because of some stupid win-loss record? Just because you lost to me you're moping? I won't pretend to like losing, but at least I don't try to blame anyone for it. And I never think I should win any match."

She got up off the bed and walked over to Taylor, looking down at her. "Get up," she commanded, "You're mad right? You think you're better than me? Then take a swing at me. I'm just a stupid idol after all, and you're a super-hard working fighter! It should be easy for you to beat me up!"

She leaned down to look Taylor in the eye. "I worked just as hard as you to get where I am, harder even. You are selfish for not seeing that. Your opponents are people just like you, and they're willing to work just as hard as you if it means winning. Show them some respect by being a dignified loser, instead of whatever the hell this is!"

"I'm sorry, who am I blaming?" Taylor asked sarcastically.

She gave Chigusa a look and a sarcastic, noodle-armed swat with the flat of her fist. "Yeah, making fun of me is real cool." She said quietly.

Rage built inside of her at all the things Chigusa said until it popped and transcended into a strange sort of detached calm. She unconsciously removed herself emotionally from the conversation and leaned back in her chair, propped her feet up on the bed, and laced her hands behind her head.

"You're pretty mad." She said. "I thought I took the loss pretty well, especially considering while you were sprawled out like a little bitch, I was busy trying to not get murdered by the psycho with the chair. I mean, I give up hoping for a fair, one-on-one fight, and two-on-one isn't as bad as three." She looked Chigusa over with a cross between a smirk and a scowl, and subconsciously her New York accent reared it's head. "You're a trip, ya know that? A real piece of work. You come in here, and you're all 'let it all out, there there', and then I do and now it's 'you selfish motherfucker, get over yourself'. Jesus, man. If you were this brutal in the ring you might have wins in singles matches."

She waved her hand dismissively at the idol. "Just do what you gotta do, a'right? If you want to kick my ass again just to feel good about yourself, go right ahead. I'm sure someone will pull you off me eventually. I think I've already taken enough of this verbal beating, right? Go fuckin' eat a dick, you ass-clown. Go work harder and be a better person than me somewhere else, I'm done hearing about it."

Chigusa blinked as her words sparked no real reaction from Taylor. She deflated as well, feeling a bit foolish for getting worked up about this. She turned around and walked back to the bed, sitting back down, looking down at her hands and not at Taylor. "I'm sorry," she said, "And you're right. You don't need to hear this from me. I guess I just wanted to see that spirit of yours back. I hate seeing people like this." She shook her head, looking back up at Taylor for a moment, before getting back up to her feet.

"You probably don't want to see any more of me," Chigusa said, "It makes sense... Well, I'll just see myself out. Try to get better Taylor. I respect you, and I don't want to see you go."

She made her way to the door, opening it and stepping outside. She took a look back at Taylor and gave her a smile, hoping Taylor understood, before turning and leaving.

"Good." Taylor said, as much to Chigusa leaving as to her wanting to keep Taylor around. "I'm so glad." She said sarcastically. There was no real reason why she was being so defensive and so nasty to Chigusa. It felt empty, the words soured by twinges of regret and guilt. She had her problems with Chigusa, but even with everything she did, she was still closer to a friend than just about anyone else. Maybe beggars couldn't be choosers in this case.

She breathed a heavy sigh and cast her eyes around the room restlessly. Her guilt was a dull ache somewhere inside her and there was nothing she could do, no position she could hold herself in that would ease the burden of it. She looked out the window again but only saw the reflection of the panel of florescent lights in the ceiling. She grimaced and buried her face in her hands, her elbows on her knees. She felt like such a failure, in every facet of her life. She couldn't think of a single good thing she had, and then of course she thought of Johnny and Cassie, and how negligent she was of them, how selfish she was, especially with Cassie, and the resulting wave of self loathing she felt only reinforced her sense of worthlessness.

She began a resigned sigh, but it caught in her throat. She squirmed for a moment before she quickly stood up and threw on her black leather jacket, grabbed her gym bag, and strode quickly out the door. She kept her eyes low, looking at the floor and away from people she passed by, not wanting them to see the bruises on her face. She made her way out of the AFW building as quickly as she could, and the brisk night air outside felt like freedom, like escape.

She walked home. It was a long walk, but she often needed the time to herself. Living with Cassie was probably a good thing, she had to admit, she kept her from imploding in on herself, but she still found that she needed a lot of time to be alone. As she walked, she couldn't help but take out her phone and open a new text message to Chigusa, but she couldn't think of anything to say. She put her phone back in her pocket, but inevitably pulled it out again. After several agonizing minutes, she managed to type out a brief message, and her thumb hesitated over the send button.

hey you did really great. im sorry

She pocketed the phone again before she actually managed to send it. In a weird way, she looked up to Chigusa, while undeniably looking down on her at the same time. It was weird. Chigusa just seemed to have so much together, even if she was a filthy whore. She was so many things Taylor could never be. She felt a little better knowing that even with all the shit between them, Chigusa still wanted the best for Taylor.

Maybe even if her career ended that night the world wouldn't really come to an end. She did have a couple good things in her life that would stick around even if she never had to fight again. Still, the thought of having to pull herself out of bed in the morning and compete with everyone else was so overwhelming that she had butterflies in her stomach just thinking about it. She felt so weak, so helpless, and it was the worst feeling in the world. She felt like she'd lost whatever it was that made her special, that convinced herself she could beat anyone.

She couldn't cry about it. She was too worn out for more of that. She just numbly put one foot in front of the other until she opened the door to her apartment. Cassie looked up from her post sitting cross legged on the couch with her laptop and just watched Taylor come in with that look she got when she knew something was wrong. Taylor knew that it broke Cassie's heart, she could see it in her face. It had always astounded Taylor how Cassie could just look at someone and feel what they were feeling, how she would dive into someone and allow herself to hurt for them.

Taylor hesitated just inside the front door. Cassie silently put her laptop down, got up and crossed the room to Taylor and threw her arms around her. Taylor stood perfectly still.

"Hey." She said, or maybe croaked, and immediately she was crying again, sobbing into Cassie's shoulder. Cassie just held her and gently swayed back and forth.

"It's okay." She whispered. "You're still amazing to me."

Taylor only cried harder.