How about that match? (for Bluemouse)

It was several hours after her cage match with Taylor when Chigusa went back to the hospital ward to look for her opponent. The doctors and nurses patched her up quickly before Lukretia demanded to see her, and she got held up for quite a while by the German domme before she grew tired of Chigusa's weary and beaten form. She disliked how Lukretia thought she owned her, and how despite everything she still complied meekly to Lukretia's demands. Still, being near concussed meant neither of them could do much of anything, and after resting for a while Chigusa felt well enough to go looking for Taylor. She felt bad about the match, especially once she heard that after she got knocked out Lukretia called the match in her favor. Taylor must be feeling awful after losing her big returning match.

So Chigusa went out to look for her. The hospital gown she wore flapped as she walked along the hallways to where she heard they were keeping Taylor. On her head was a thick wrapping of gauze, to try and keep her head intact. Truth be told it wasn't so bad, the cut was shallow and it stopped bleeding quickly, and the idol was well enough to walk around without stumbling all over the place. But that chair shot had been enough to knock the already hurt and winded idol out. She heard Taylor took a big hit with the chair too, and that she was seemingly ok after it. Perhaps Taylor really did have a harder head than Chigusa.

She found Taylor's room and gave it a quick knock. She hoped Taylor wasn't sleeping the injuries off; it wouldn't do to disturb her, especially considering Taylor's moods. "Taylor-San, are you inside?" Chigusa asked, "I'm coming in! Please excuse my intrusion." She opened the door, stepping inside to see how Taylor was.

Usually after a match, especially one as hard fought as this one, Taylor fought her way out of the clutches of the medical staff, went home, and slept for about a day. This time, though, she'd succeeded in getting the medical staff to leave her alone after they kept going on about how she had a mild concussion and she had to do this and that, but she lingered in her room. She sat restlessly on a chair next to her hospital bed, dressed in her street clothes, tight white tank top and jeans with black knee high boots laced up the front. She just didn't want to go home, maybe because then she'd have nothing to do but lay in her bed, stare at the ceiling, and ruminate over the match.

It was her big return match. She had her choice of anyone, and she picked Chigusa. She told herself that it was because she was her friend and she knew her spirit and that they would make for a match worth remembering, but she wondered if maybe it was really because she was sure she could beat her. But she couldn't. She got her ass kicked. She told herself over and over that if it wasn't for Talia interfering, it would've been different, but that felt like nothing more than a flimsy excuse and she couldn't stand the thought of resorting to things like that. She lost, and there was no one to blame but herself. Maybe she really didn't...

Her train of thought was interrupted by Chigusa's voice. Honestly, she didn't want to see her, right then or maybe ever again. She propped up her boots on the windowsill and looked over at the idol. She couldn't help but be self conscious of her beat up face.

"What?" She said, completely without emotion.

Seeing Taylor fully dressed made Chigusa feel a little self-conscious, as she was wearing nothing but the long hospital gown over her body. She put those thoughts aside though, since it was distracting her from the real reason she was here. She looked Taylor up and down for a moment, taking note of how beat up she looked. Taylor just looked as if she was thoroughly beaten. It was a little bit satisfying for Chigusa to know that she had the strength to go against someone considered to be among the best and beat them like this, but she felt bad too, since this was supposed to be Taylor's night and she took that from her. She just got way too caught up in the match, and considering her own pride and ego she couldn't just job to Taylor. They both gave it their all and had there been no interference, the match still could've gone either way.

Chigusa sat down on the bed, across from Taylor. Now that she was here she realized she didn't know what to say. It seemed Taylor didn't want to see her at all. That made sense; who wanted to see their opponent after losing? Especially if they come after the match; it usually meant the winner was going to be gloating. Not that there was much to gloat about. Chigusa was just as beat up as Taylor, and she completely missed the celebration when she was knocked out.

"Taylor... Are you alright?" Chigusa asked, "I went too far in our match, so I want to apologize. I mean, it was your return match, and I feel like I ruined it for you. I'm sorry..." She looked down, trying to sound as heartfelt as possible, hoping Taylor would brush this off and they could still be friends. But she knew Taylor's own pridefulness. She braced herself for the tirade.

Taylor just snorted. She didn't say anything right away.

She stared out at the slivers of the windows she could see through the blinds, at the darkness outside and the reflected florescent lighting of the room. She honestly had nothing left to say. She didn't have the energy to get snarky or to say something mean to Chiugsa. She didn't want her to go, she just wished she wasn't there.

"You didn't ruin anything. I did. By sucking." She said. She couldn't help but sound a bit bitter, and she immediately wished she'd just kept her mouth shut. But she never could just shut up, and now she felt weak and whiny and insecure. The truth was, though, that's how she felt. The self doubt that had haunted her every day in Japan for almost two years just would not let up. Even thinking that way made her angry at herself, like she didn't belong here if she wasn't completely convinced that she did, like showing any weakness even to herself was an invitation to others to prey on her.

She sighed. "And you didn't break any rules that I remember, so... I don't know what you're talking about." She said, and looked wearily into Chigusa's eyes. "This shit just happens, that's all. Did you want to say something, or do you just want to feel good about yourself, being nice to the charity case and all?"

Chigusa looked up when Taylor spoke, then frowned a little bit. She was expecting snark and some kind of snappy remark, but Taylor's defeatist attitude totally caught her off guard. She was quickly to think up of a way to defend herself, to try and dissuade Taylor from thinking she was here because she felt like giving Taylor charity, but then she realized that was partially true. It was the reason she got the cage lifted after all; she saw how hard Taylor was fighting and she didn't want it to end with her winning and Taylor's hard work coming to nothing. In the end it still came to nothing, but with a much more confusing and uncomfortable conclusion. Maybe her good intentions were the cause of all this?

"I... well..." Chigusa said, looking down and away, "I guess... I guess I just wanted to make sure we're still friends." She looked back up at Taylor, blushing slightly as she was a little bit uncomfortable. "I thought by being nice you would forgive me. But I see that you don't blame me for anything." She suddenly realized what was bothering Taylor, and indeed what made the girl tick. She was surprised she didn't notice it before.

"I can't believe you're blaming yourself for this," she said, shaking her head, "You just came back after recovering, and you get shoved into a nasty cage match, and you blame yourself for losing? Look... I know what you're feeling. I've just come out of a nasty losing streak after all. But you can't go doubting yourself now, not when you've come this far. You've got fans that love you, friends that need you! So please don't go moping around again just because you lost. It'll make me feel even worse than I do now."

"What do you expect me to do?" Taylor snapped. "If I can't even beat you, I don't have chance in hell at ever making it here."

As the sudden anger in her voice washed over the room, she sat in silence, replaying in her mind what Chigusa said. The word blame stuck, right in the center, and became so large she couldn't see around it. Chigusa thought she was stupid. It was Taylor's fault, after all, and it wasn't like she could expect to just take it easy because she was coming back from an injury. There was no taking it easy in the ring, just making it easier for your opponent, which made it harder for yourself.

And for all Chigusa's appeals to how much people just loved Taylor, which was an outright lie, she obviously just wanted to ease her conscience for the shit she pulled, trying to call the match a draw out of pity, exclusively working Taylor's ribs, not winning the match when she had the chance in favor of beating up Taylor more. Whatever. Chigusa could do whatever helped her sleep at night. Taylor wasn't going to flip out on her because she played too rough.

Now, she just wanted her out of her room and out of her life. She couldn't stand being pitied, especially by someone that just beat her.

"Why don't you..." She opened her mouth to say something cutting, to tell her off and throw her out, but the words caught in her throat. She suddenly found herself on the brink, frozen in the moment that precedes tears. She became rigid, as if one false move would send her over the edge, she held her breath, and she turned her head stiffly to face the window, just so she wouldn't have to look at Chigusa. She waved her hand at the idol to shoo her away. The worst thing that could ever happen to her didn't come from any opponent, it came from herself. The only way to make a loss worse? Cry in front of your opponent.

Chigusa bristled when Taylor words washed over her. Despite everything, Taylor still looked down on her. The anger she felt rising inside her was quickly checked by a small sense of smug satisfaction though when Chigusa thought of how she beat Taylor. Maybe the girl thought she was better than Chigusa, that she would be an easy stepping stone on her way to the top. Well she certainly showed Taylor. It was time people started respecting Chigusa as a fighter again.

But she didn't want Taylor to be feeling bad for losing. Seeing the girl suddenly choke up and almost start crying, all those mean thoughts immediately disappeared from Chigusa's mind. She stood up and walked over to Taylor, opening her arms up and throwing them around Taylor to try and pull her into a big hug.

"Don't think I'm doing this because I pity you. I know how you feel, I've been there. And I know that what you need is some companionship. So just let me do this Taylor, and feel free to cry. I won't tell anyone."

Taylor recoiled from Chigusa's touch and made an effort to push her away. "Fuck you," She managed, her voice strained under the effort of holding back tears. "I don't need to cry." But that didn't quite do it. "Fuck you, I don't need to cry." She repeated, but by the end her voice had broken, she had broken, and she collapsed into Chigusa.

A powerful sob racked her body, and she bit her lip, squeezed her eyes shut as tears spilled out of them and rolled down her face. She tried desperately to keep quite, and her silence was punctuated by intermittent stabbing sobs.

"I don't belong here!" She wailed. "I don't have what it takes to be... I'm not... I can't..." She couldn't finish a sentence, and her fingers clawed into fists. "FUUUCK!" She screamed, a ragged, uncontrolled scream that attracted the attention of staff down the hall. One peeked around the door and decided it was best to leave her be.

"Fuck me." She said in a tiny voice and shoved Chigusa off and pressed her palms over her eyes. "I'm pathetic."

Chigusa knew Taylor was going to resist it as much as she could. The girl was a tough one, and she probably hated showing any weakness like this. But Chigusa knew no matter how much Taylor resisted, it was eventually all going to come out. The poor girl was probably screaming inside for someone to hold her. That was how Chigusa felt after she lost a big match.

Then Taylor finally broke down and fell into Chigusa. The idol quickly held her close, hugging her and rubbing the girl's back. She put Taylor's head against her shoulder for her to cry into it. "There there Taylor," Chigusa said, "You do belong here. Everyone wants you to stay."

Taylor then pushed away, still crying but obviously trying to stop, while Chigusa looked over at her. "You can't go thinking that just because you lost a match," Chigusa said, "One loss here means nothing Taylor. You're still ranked higher than me. Is... Is this because you thought I would be a pushover?" Chigusa looked at her curiously, wondering what it was that made Taylor be so angry.

"Shut up, I did not." Taylor said, and wiped her face with the hem of her tank top, smearing it with traces of black eyeliner and smudging it on her face. "I did not think that. I still don't." That was true, though she did honestly believe that she was better than Chigusa. It was utterly humiliating to think that she wasn't.

"You don't know what it's like." She said with a sniffle, sitting back in her chair, her face now wiped clean of any emotion though she couldn't hide the aftermath of her tears. "You're not like me. You never have been. You're already a thing in AFW, and even if you weren't you're still some bigshot pop queen or whatever. I just don't know how you did it." She said, shaking her head and staring out the window again. "I mean, what makes you so much better than me? I know for a goddamn fact that I work harder than you. There are only so many hours in a day, and you do more than one thing. It's math. This is all I do, literally, I don't have any funny stories to tell because all I do is train and prepare. Every time I eat or sleep or whatever, it's so I can do better. And here we are, you're still on top and I'm going nowhere fast."

She cautiously probed the sore spots on her fact and her body with one hand and scowled. "Fuck, man, it's not even worth it. I've been here for two fucking years, and I've got jack shit to show for it. My record is dead even, and that makes me a nobody. Fuck it, there's gotta be something else I can do with my fucking life." She melted into her chair and tipped her head back so she was looking up at the ceiling and put her palms over her face.

"I mean what do you do? At what point do you come to your senses and realize this isn't working? Instead of just beating your head against the wall like an idiot because you think that always doing the same thing even if it doesn't work makes you tough."