So Much It Hurts

"Bullshit, you fantasize about me all the time. It's okay, I know how intoxicating I am." Taylor said, unruffled by Akashi's foolishness. She didn't really have the energy or the motivation to get all riled up.

Sometimes it bothered her that her best friend was such a savage lesbian. Wouldn't that always be a divide between them? Like, there was a line in their relationship that they couldn't step over, because they wanted very different things. Not that Akashi wanted Taylor... Hell, maybe she did. Who knows. It just didn't seem fair sometimes, though she wasn't sure why. Maybe things were just bothering her more than usual today.

"New York isn't my city anymore..." She mused quietly while she slowed down to turn. It was true. She had nothing more going for her in New York than anywhere else. Japan was her home, and she didn't even speak the language. Somewhere in the center compartment between the seats and under the middle arm rest was her "A Guide to Love Loss & Desperation" CD by The Wombats. She'd listened to the song "Moving to New York" so many times it should've worn a hole through the track. It was the song she listened to when she had doubts about being in Japan, and when she thought that she should just go home and things would be better. But she knew they wouldn't be. There was nothing for her in New York.

"Kashi..." She started, then stopped as she took a moment to figure out the busy intersection at the mall's parking lot. Her chest tightened a little, and she felt her cheeks redden. "Kashi, why didn't you kick out of that pin? I know it was a hard match. She really laid you out, but... I saw you, man, you could've kicked out. Why didn't you?" She spoke slowly to try to keep the anger from seeping into her voice. She felt betrayed. Akashi should've known that that match wasn't just for her and Sarah. There were a lot of people that counted on Akashi.

"Know what, forget about it, I don't even care. She beat you fair and square, she's the champ. Sarah fucking Gatt is the champ, and it's great. For everyone. I can't wait to see what shit she tries to pull now that she's fucking queen of the hill." Okay, that wasn't as good. Her angry sarcasm was thick and syrupy and unmistakable. She began looking for a parking spot.

Akashi's grin faded at Taylor's words. It remained, partially, but she got a sudden vibe from Taylor. It was confirmed when she said that New York wasn't her city anymore. Akashi's gentle smile fell all the way then and she lowered her head a bit.

"Oh."

That was all she said as she turned and looked out the window. Things got awkward suddenly and Akashi chewed on her lower lip nervously.When Taylor spoke, Akashi furrowed her brow. "Don't say you don't care when you do!" Akashi snapped back. "You want to know why I didn't kick out?" She said as she took a moment to regain her evenness and inhaled a deep breath. "Because... that fight was one second away from being a draw. ONE SECOND!" Akashi emphasized her point. "And I wasn't the reason that it wasn't a draw. I wasn't able to make it up for a ten count. She was. If I had tried to kick out, it would have been a 50/50 shot at best that I would have made it. I'm sorry. At that point, I wanted to hold on to what little dignity I had left. There is honor in winning and there is honor in losing. Sarah-san won honorably, I lost honorably. I'm not going to insult the fans or myself by drawing out the match another few minutes just to flop about until she could securely pin me!"

Akashi clenched her fists tightly. "I left everything I had out in that ring. My body! My soul! When I couldn't make the ten count, that was it. I hope you understand. I can't make you think I didn't give it my all, or understand why I accepted the pin and if you think less of me for it than whatever." Akashi furrowed her brow. "My honor is my own and if I had kicked out, I would have lost it. Because I didn't, I kept it. No one know else can understand aside from Myself and Sarah-san." Akashi lowered her head. "I believe that one day, hopefully soon, you will understand as well. I thought that maybe you would have already understood. It's fine if you don't. Japanese honor is stupid and confusing but it's about battling warriors. She was the better woman on that night." Akashi looked at Taylor sternly. "And that night, ONLY!" She added. She then let out a sigh. "I'm not pleased about her being champ either, you know. And as much as I can help it, I'm not going to let her get away with any bullshit."

Akashi then suddenly blushed and turned her head away from Taylor. "Taylor-chan..." She muttered weakly. "I... I'm sorry I let you down..."

Goddamn right she let her down! What the fuck kind of honor was there in giving up? If Taylor was in that match, even if there was never any hope of her winning, she would've fought her to the very end even if it killed her. Taylor needed to fight, and people like Sarah needed to be fought. She wasn't fighting for her own safety anymore, not really, but every fight was a matter of life and death in it's own way.

Maybe in a fight Akashi would wreck Taylor ten out of ten times, maybe not. Whatever. But Taylor would never just roll over and give up even one of them. Not to anyone, even Akashi.

But she had kind of thrown the match against Adrian. That was... more complicated. She won that fight. In her mind she knew she won it.

She pulled into a parking space and shut the car off. She slumped forward and put her head on the steering wheel. She took a deep breath. "Sorry, Kashi."

"I didn't mean anything by it, I'm just kinda bummed out and... I'm an asshole. I don't even care about Sarah. She's got the title, but she'll never be champion. That thing is worthless until someone more worthwhile can take it away from her. Maybe it'll make someone better, like, because someone's got to take it from her."

Taylor sighed heavily. She looked at Akashi with sorry blue eyes. "Sarah was the one who made me wish I'd never come here. Like, she made me feel like I didn't belong here and that it was all just a horrible mistake. You're the one who made me feel like I did, and that I had a shot at making something out of myself. If I was back in New York, I'd be waiting tables or some shit. Well, no, I'd get fired eventually. I can't just work as a dancer, you probably have to know people and not be psycho, and ten dollars a week from a punk band isn't going to ever pay the bills. Fuck, I'd probably be working a strip club right now if I were home, and no one would even wonder about anything."

She sighed again. "You didn't let anyone down. You did all the things that make you great." She tried to muster a bit of a mischievous smile. "Except win." She grinned, and poked Akashi in the belly. "That's good to know, though, when we eventually have our match, I'll just punch you in the face and you'll stay down for an hour and let me pin you. It'll be the biggest match in Friction history and it'll be over in two minutes."

She got out of the car, and as soon as she did her grin faded. She stuck her hands in the pockets of her jacket and shivered while she waited for Akashi. What a weird day.

Akashi didn't say anything when the car pulled in and shut off. Akashi then sighed. "I'm bummed out too... I mean... I don't know what else I COULD HAVE done... I literally threw every damn thing I had at her! I was pissed! It feels like she wanted it more... that's what it feels like." Akashi lowered her head. "And that doesn't register with me. There's absolutely no way a girl like her could want that title and that win even close to as much as I did! I can't even wrap my head around it!" Akashi's tone held confusion and sadness. That was the one thing she couldn't figure out.

"Yes... girls like that.. they only care about ruining girls like you, girls like me. Just beating people up and being a beast! It... it feels like everything I tried so hard to teach Sarah about being a human fucking being finally worked! And son of a bitch if it didn't fucking all come out on my fat ass!" Akashi clenched her teeth and her tightly clenched fists shook. She looked pissed but at herself. I'm not happy!" She said and glared at Taylor, though not at her. "Don't you dare think I was satisfied with that loss because I did what I did! It's eating me up inside but ..." Akashi suddenly faltered and turned her head. "You're the only one who is ever going to know that."

She straightened up again. "I'm going to turn that into something and then when I face her again, oooooh, I'm going to beat her aaaaaassss."

Akashi then grinned and pointed her finger at Taylor. "Come on, beanpole! I HOPE you think that you can win like that because if you think that one of your little love taps is going to knock me out, then it WILL be over in two minutes but not the way YOU think it's going down!' Akashi popped out of the car and slammed the door and raised her fist into the air. "YOSH!" She declared proudly.

Taylor surveyed the parking lot and all of the other mall-goers coming and going. It felt like coming here was the first somewhat normal thing she'd done in a year and a half. It was a little bit of a comfort.

She couldn't help but feel bad that she snapped at Akashi, and even worse about being angry at her in the first place. She didn't deserve that, but she of all people should know what a jerk Taylor could be.

Once Akashi was up and out of the car, Taylor took a calculated running start, jumped and kicked off the side of her car for extra height and threw a knee up toward Akashi's face so that she would miss her by just inches. She landed neatly next to her.

"See? You'd never even see me coming." She grinned. She cocked her hips at a jaunty angle and tossed hair back over one shoulder. "And I'd look good doing it, too. You wish you could fit into my ring gear, hoss. But you can't. They don't make it in your size."

She turned and dove headlong away from Akashi and landed neatly in a roll that brought her back to her feet facing her friend. She stuck out her tongue, and then laughed and brushed herself off. She started for the door again. Akashi was the only person she could ever really joke with about kicking her in the face and knocking her out. Everyone else was weirded out by that sort of thing.

"I think I know our first stop. We have a mission. We have to each by a new outfit without leaving the store.. Maybe with like a time limit and stuff. God help you if they don't carry plus sizes."

Akashi watched as Taylor pretended to assault her and rolled her eyes at Taylor's antics and laughed at her. "Oh you're so tough when it's not even a match." She said and stuck her tongue out. "You're just jealous. I'm a fat girl that wears a diaper to the ring people still love me. Try as you might, even with half the weight and twice the slutty skirts, you still can't touch me!" Akashi then wiggled her ass at Taylor and touched her ass with her finger making a "Tsss." noise and sucking on it.

She then scampered off towards the Mall entrance, winking back at the girl. "Oh, they don't have kimono's here, maybe I should check out the bikiiiiini section! Haha!" Akashi turned around and looked at Taylor. "Maybe I should wear a skirt and can wear some nice pants like me. I think it would be fun and... One of these days I'm going to get you into a proper Yukata and turn you into a real Nihonjin, got that, gaijin-chan?" Akashi said with a bright smile on her face.

"I don't know what any of that is." Taylor said, though she did know the word gaijin. Taylor really felt no desire to wear baggy Akashi-pants, though they did kind of look comfortable.

Still, that wasn't going to happen today. Taylor knew what store she was headed for. She didn't know the name of it, it was written in Japanese over the store front, but it sold a weird mix of loud, punky street clothes and more upscale, stylish urban sorts of things.

Taylor led Akashi into the mall and around a corner to the store. "Look around, Akashi!" She exclaimed. An employee, a young girl with dyed black hair and various piercings, eyed the pair cautiously. Taylor flashed the girl a grin and then put a hand up to her face and turned to Akashi.

"Sometimes I don't know if I want another piercing or if I want to stop wearing the ones I have." She said, and touched the tiny stud in her nose and the little ring in her eyebrow. She felt like wearing them was representing for who she was, sort of, but sometimes she got tired of them.

"Okay, do you want to split up and meet back here with the new outfit? The Kamikaze Ten Minute New Outfit Challenge? Eh? Here I go."

Taylor immediately gravitated to a rack of various socks and leggings like a moth to a flame. "Oooh." She picked up a pair or tall navy blue socks. "Argyle. I wonder how high they'll go..." She held them up next to her legs. They looked like they'd even come up over her knees. Perfect. She imagined that her brain had a filter that made all socks and boots and things that didn't at least come up to her knees invisible. Life was too short for short socks.

"It's a start!" She called back, and began to work her way out of her shoes.

Akashi followed Taylor into the shop. She didn't really come to the mall, especially not for clothes. It was one of the few things she splurged on and she had a tailor she knew by name that custom made her kimonos and hakama pants. She had even found a boutique where she could find underwear and bras on the rare occasions she wore them. But occasionally Mina wanted to get her out of the 17th century and would bring Akashi to a store to get a modern outfit.

But Akashi looked around. This wasn't just a regular store. It seemed more like the kind of place that Taylor would come to, not that that was bad. She smiled as Taylor spoke about her piercings. "Yeah, me too. I've considered getting another tattoo as well... But... I'm kind ofafraid to take out my piercing." She scrunched her face and shivered.

"Yosh!" Akashi said and pmped her fist. "Let's do this!" She already had an idea and knew it was ridiculous. But, whatever, Akashi didn't care. She was going to be a complete fool. She pulled a zippered hoodie off the rack and a pink skirt. Then she grabbed a black shirt with pink hearts and an arrow going through them and the letters "KILL ME LOVE" in red on the hearts. She then grabbed pair of mismatching pink and white stockings and added them to the pile.

"We gotta change too?!" she yelled out to Taylor with her pile of clothes.

Taylor flitted up and down racks of clothes, poking into them and swishing clothes around. The next thing she found was a ridiculously short black wrap skirt with a fine silver chain built in as a belt. She snagged it.

Next she grabbed a silvery-white long sleeve spandex shirt that had an illegible string of Japanese writing that ran up the outside of one sleeve, across the chest, and down the other. Then she found a black t-shirt, loaded with shiny silver sequins and a skull, with the words "I Totally Fly In The Sky Highly" written across it.

"Hee." She giggled. It was perfect. "Yes we dooooooo!" She answered Akashi. She hopped on one foot while she quickly yanked off her jeans, drawing stares from a few people nearby. Her black string bikini shaped underwear wasn't as bad as it could've been... She wrapped the skirt around her hips and fastened the single button, and pulled the blue argyle socks up over her knees. She dropped her jacket and shucked off her shirt, and then wiggled her way into the white spandex shirt before slipping the t-shirt on over it.

She found a mirror and pulled her hair loose from under the shirts. The skirt showed every inch of her long, muscular legs and the shirts stopped just short enough to show an inch or so of her flat stomach. It was weird how she never noticed how much her body had changed since she began training religiously. Her bathroom mirror never seemed to show it. But out here in the wild, it was like seeing her lean, athletic, tight body for the first time. She looked good. She grinned.

She looked a mix of ridiculous and punk, which was sort of the idea. She looked like she just didn't care what other people thought, but she really wanted them to look. That sounded about right. "Ready Kashi?" She hopped around to find Akashi, and when she did she leaped up onto her, wrapping her legs around Akashi's waist and holding onto her hair for balance.

"The register girl's gonna have to find my tags. Or should I just take all this off again?"

"Ok!" Akashi said as she looked out for Taylor who was somewhere over a few racks. But the big sumo wasn't going to just change in the middle of the aisle like Taylor, though the punk was lucky that Akashi didn't know she was doing that. Even though Akashi was one of the least modest girls in the AFW, which was saying a lot, she wasn't even wearing a bra! She was out in public and wanted to show a little bit of decency.

Akashi pushed to the back and into a dressing room where she stripped down to her underwear. She pulled on the tight fitting shirt and pulled up her stockings. She slipped on the hoodie and then wrapped the skirt around her thighs. She was almost showing off the bottom of her ass with how short her skirt was and with the tight shirt she was wearing, her bare nipples poked out a little. She blushed and tugged the hoodie a bit and then pulled the chopsticks out of her hair.

She took her long lengths of now dry hair a and tied it up so that she had long twin tails, with two chopsticks in each side, forming little X's The skirt showed off her thighs, which, despite being thick, still looked good. She then stepped out and searched for Taylor. When she found her, she threw out a 'V' sign.

"Harajuku kawaii, desu neeeee~"

She said in the cutest voice she could muster as she winked at Taylor. As Taylor leaped at her, Akashi gasped and giggled as she caught Taylor and hugged her close, feeling her tug on the sumo's pigtails. "Hey! Those aren't for you to tug on!" She exclaimed. "IIIIII'l take them off for you, Taylor-chaaan." Akashi then said as she walked the two over to the register.