I'm Not Who You Think

Akashi stood firm when Cassie gave her a shove. The girl was a good grappler, but there was no way that Akashi was going to be shoved around against someone like Cassie. Akashi frowned when Cassie began to accuse her... accuse everyone... of turning her i into a monster.

"I saw what you did!" Akashi said back, her tone raised but she wasn't yelling. Her tone held aggravation and sympathy. "Cassie-san... you're NOT a monster... you're Cassie-san. You'll be you no matter what unless you LET that girl get to you!"

"You think I'm proud of everything I've done in AFW? Taylor? Anyone? The challenge of the AFW is to be able to survive without losing your soul." Akashi's eyes softened. "Cassie-san..."

"That's the problem!" Cassie raised her voice again. "I know I'll always be me, but I'm not who you think!"

She winced, and put a hand to her head. The room was starting to spin a little with all the exertion of yelling at Akashi, and she felt sick to her stomach. She pushed past Akashi and headed for her bedroom, where she could at least lock Akashi out. Why wouldn't she get the picture that she needed to be alone. Now, and for the indefinite future.

Akashi frowned as Cassie winced. She knew that the girl was physically and emotionally spent but she just couldn't give up her efforts. Not right now. As Cassie pushed past her, Akashi moved enough to make it easy but followed her cautiously up the stairs. She heard the lock of the door and stood in front of Cassie's room.

"Cassie-san!" She said in a near pleading tone. "I don't think you understand." Akashi inhaled deeply. "Whoever you are or whatever you THINK you are, that person I'll always care for... no matter what!" She meant it but knew she wasn't going to get anywhere. "Cassie-san, at least eat something before you settle in. It will be good for you. I'll leave everything simmering for a little while. I'll be in the front room but I won't disturb you, I promise." She said as she turned and walked away from Cassie's room.

Akashi thoguht about what she should do and when she was downstairs, she grabbed her phone. She flopped onto the couch and flipped through her television channels and put on some sumo matches she had recorded. She then stared at her phone and dialed Taylor's number.

Cassie would probably be in her room for a while so she figured it wouldn't be too bad to have a conversation about the girl. As the phone ringed, she wondered if Taylor saw the match as well.

Cassie carefully laid down on her bed. Akashi's departure left her feeling defeated, because she knew that now that she was alone, she would eventually come out of her room, likely to talk to Akashi. She sighed.

The image of an unconscious and bloody Talia under that white mask was too much to comprehend. There must have been some mistake! Maybe her eyes were playing tricks on her. Maybe Talia had a sister. She couldn't have seen what she did.

But then she could think of nothing else that she remembered as clearly as seeing her face. She could scarcely begin to unravel how she felt about it. She knew that she needed to talk to Talia, and in her head she imagined it would be like talking to the old Talia, forgetting that the person in the mask who had made her life hell for so long was Talia.

And then Mamouru... She couldn't bear to think about him. She felt like she was right back where she started, with Taylor as her only friend in the country. And where was she?

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"Hey," Taylor answered. Her voice was stiff and creaky, as if she'd been sleeping. She hadn't. "How's... everything?"

"I-Imouto-chan!" Akashi barked into the phone as if the girl HAD been sleeping and she shouldn't have been. Akashi furrowed her brow. "Did you see the match!?" She got straight to the point.

"Cassie-chan... she's not doing so well. I'm trying my best! I know she needs some space but she also doesn't! She keeps acting like she's some kind of monster or something and it's silly! It's absolutely silly! Even if she was, we'd still love her!" Akashi said the whole thing in one breath and panted softly into the phone. "Right?" She ended, her voice twisting into a hopeful plea.

"Yeah," Taylor said, with no more vitality than before. "I saw it."

She was quiet while Akashi's punctuation came unglued in a frenetic stream of distraught rambling. At the end, she sighed, and gathered her thoughts.

"Right," she said. "But... That's not all of it. We've got to carry Cassie along right now, yeah, but... that's not it. Some other stuff has got to change." She sighed again, with a little less patience, and started to sound more awake. And agitated.

"Man... I mean, fuck, dude. Dark Angel got in her head, and like... she hit all the buttons. When she went after Mamouru, she lost it. That's when it clicked that this isn't friendly competition. Ya know?. Bitches like that bitch will be bitches inside the ring, outside the ring, on the street, in the fuckin'... grocery store. And that bitch couldn't have got in Cassie's head any worse no matter how bad she kicked her ass. The worst thing she could possibly have done was try something stupid and get herself wrecked.

"So now Cassie's put a girl in the hospital. Again. And this time she's really fucked over. Understand? Both of them. Fucked. Cassie can't deal with this bullshit. She doesn't understand that that stupid bitch got herself jacked up, and that Cassie was just the wall she ran into. She won't get it. You fucking explain it to her, Kashi, but she's going to kill herself over this, way worse than some fucking slutbag in a goddamn cheap fucking Halloween costume could ever do on her worst, most criminally fucking insane day. God fucking dammit.

"Fuck, I should've been there, Kashi." She slowed down, and her voiced quavered. "I dunno, man, I just, I should've been there to... I dunno. I should've been in the fucking building, at the fucking ring, I should've been looking Cassie in the fucking eyes when that shit happened. But this is how it fucking is, right? Always has. Cassie kills herself for everyone else and Taylor doesn't give a fuck. I'm the worst fucking human being in the world, because I knew what I should've done, the least I could've fucking done, and I didn't do it."

She cleared her throat and took a moment to compose herself. "I'm still at the train station. I just missed the last one, but I think this one's boarding in a minute, so I'll be there in a couple hours. I packed a bag."

Akashi listened as Taylor began. She nodded along with all of Taylor's words. The girl spoke so much that it was like she had prepared a speech and yet, she was speaking in a way that definitely felt very stream of consciousness. The sumo nodded along with Taylor even though they weren't face to face.

"Uh huh... hai... yeah..." Akashi interjected occasionally as Taylor continued. She parroted much of what Akashi was thinking. Akashi wondered what if and why she wasn't there?

When Taylor was finished, Akashi shook her head. "No. Taylor-chan, no. that's the problem... everyone's looking to blame someone for this and that's what we CAN'T do! You really think Cassie would have let you be there/ Something else could have happened. The only person who is to blame is Dark Angel for pushing Cassie to this point. She got what she wanted and it was more than she could handle and now? Now it's done. Cassie did what she had to do.... And now she needs to understand that she's not a monster because of that. She's Cassie."

Akashi sighed softly. "She's not a monster. And... even if she is.... she needs to understand that we will love her no matter what." Akashi sighed. "I mean..." She said softly. "There are plenty of times when I feel like I'm a monster too. neither of us can say we've gotten through AFW guilt free. It's just... we know better than to let this place consume us and we've both figured out how in our own way. I think that's what Cassie needs. She needs her own way but... She also needs to know that she's not alone. "

"I guess I'll see you soon. I'll have a dinner waiting for you, Imouto-chan." Akashi said in a sad tone. "I don't think Cassie-san's going to eat any..." She added dekectedly.

"I know Dark Angel's to blame. I do blame her. I blame the fuck out of her. If I ever see her, I'll fucking kill her. It doesn't matter if Cassie wanted me there or not, I should've been there. Cassie didn't do anything wrong, but someone did, and I should've been there." Taylor said, with a finality that told Akashi that that was the end of it.

Dinner... would actually be good. Taylor hadn't eaten much that day, and her stomach was protesting loudly. "Thanks, Kashi. I'll see you in a little while." She hung up. The train was boarding.

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Cassie laid face down on the edge of her bed for what seemed like forever. She was paralyzed by thoughts about Talia, and racked with guilt because she was more upset about Mamouru than she was about the girl who she thought was her friend. Why did she do all those things? Why did Mamouru?

She was too emotionally and physically exhausted and felt too wretched to cry about it. As far as who to blame... maybe Akashi was part of the problem, but it was mostly Mamouru. Stupid Mamouru. Akashi was just trying to help, even if her help only got Cassie deeper into a bad situation.

Eventually, when she could take the solitude no longer, she got up and shuffled her way down to the living room to find Akashi. She had been on the phone. Cassie walked into the room and sat down on the floor like a creaky old woman. She didn't say anything. She didn't look at Akashi, not right away. She just sat and tried to let part of her grief flow out of her and into the room where Akashi could help lessen it.

She flopped slowly onto her back and rolled onto her side, curled up with her arms together against her chest. "Ow."

"Hai, Ja ne." Akashi said and hung up the phone. It would be nice to see Taylorbut she couldn't help but think about what the girl had said. She sunk into the couch and sighed, just being silent. The air was heavy and the smell of simmering pots was enough to cut the edge a little bit. Who should have been there? Should ANYONE have been there? No one handled the situation well. Not Akashi, not Taylor, not Mamouru... not Cassie. Probably not even Dark Angel.

It was just such a mess.

Akashi sighed loudly again and didn't open her eyes until she heard the soft groan of Cassie. "E-Eh?" She said and looked down to see Cassie curled up on the couch.

"C-Cassie-san...." She said in an almost whisper as she began to ease off the couch and onto the floor. "Taylor-chan's on her way." She said. "Why don't you take a bath and relax for a while? Then ... the three of us can eat dinner... you know...." She said in a soft voice, lowering her head. "I... I won't push you though!"

Akashi rocked herself so she was on her hands and knees and looked down at Cassie, pushing herself so her head was overhanging Cassie's She then reached out carefully, as if trying to reach for a growling dog's chew toy and slowly slid her fingers into Cassie's hair. "Can I.... do this much.... at least?" She asked sheepishly, just feeling the need to do something, even if it was just a small bit of physical contact.

Cassie laid on her side and stared into space as if Akashi wasn't even there. The smell of food turned her stomach. It made her sick, and the thought of eating anything just seemed offensive. She didn't deserve to eat. This was no time to eat.

She closed her eyes, and said in a small, defeated voice "Mamouru has a new girlfriend." Even saying it made her feel cheap and petty and selfish. "Or... another one. He's sleeping with someone new. Akashi, I'm a horrible person." What decent human being could put someone in the hospital like that, and still be more upset about a boy that she didn't even know if she liked?